Joke thread

[LWashington]

In a response to the hurricanes and earthquakes natural disasters happening around the world, Madness have released a charity single

Our house, in the middle of someone else's street

There's always something happening and it's usually quite loud.

 

[talkativesprout]

bloke Goes to Prison
first day walks into his pad to find a 6' 6" 18 stone fucking beast of a man lying on top bunk.

'Oh ive bin waiting for me new pad mate' he says, 'lets play mummies and daddies!'

'Oh fuck' thinks the bloke then decides to box clever...

Ok 'i'll be daddy' he says...

'good choice' says the giant..'now come over here and suck mummies cock!!

 

[taleofbluehalves]

What do you do when your nose goes on strike?

Picket!

(I'll be back tomorrow)

 

[Sam Armstrong]

What do you do when your nose goes on strike?

Picket!

(I'll be back tomorrow)

Don’t rush!!!!

 

[sir baconface]

A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a check-up, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.......

'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'' ...'Sure.'

'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks. 'No, I can remember it.'

'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'

He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'

'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.

Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'

Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate, back at him, back at the plate again...

'Where's my toast?'

 

[casserole of nonsense]

Mr Brown goes to the GP to pick up his wife's test results
GP apologises because there were two Mrs Browns in that day, and the test results might have been mixed up
"It's either Alzheimers or AIDS, we don't know which, sorry" says the GP
"What should I do doc" asks Mr Brown
"Well, send her down the shops. If she comes home, always wear a condom"

 

[billfromthehill]

Mr Brown goes to the GP to pick up his wife's test results
GP apologises because there were two Mrs Browns in that day, and the test results might have been mixed up
"It's either Alzheimers or AIDS, we don't know which, sorry" says the GP
"What should I do doc" asks Mr Brown
"Well, send her down the shops. If she comes home, always wear a condom"

You lad are aptly named

 

[kippaxneil]

My Dad's got an allotment. But every time he comes back, he's convinced it's getting smaller.

Personally, I think he's slowly losing the plot.

 

[dickie davies]

Looking at myself naked in a full length mirror this morning and I thought to myself "any moment now I'm going to be told to leave Ikea"

 

[tshirtman]

Just put baby oil on myself to prove a point to the Mrs, she's always nagging that I never glisten,
I'll fucking show her.