Joke thread

Went to the barbers today, I asked him to cut my hair like Tom Cruise.

So he gave me a cushion to sit on !!
 
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer
Put it in the microwave until it's bill withers.
Why are man united fans like rats
Cos your never more than three yards away from one.
I love playing snap with my mate
He's got brittle bone disease.
 
My three year old son was trying to open a yoghurt this morning, after a few minutes he said
“Stupid bastard fucking lid”
My wife , shocked said
“Where’s he got that from?”
I said
“The fridge you daft ****”
 
Mick walked into the pub and sat on a barstool. He asks the barman for 10 shots of whiskey. The barmansays, “What’s the matter? That's a lot of whiskey.”
Mickreplies, “I found out my brother is gay and is marrying my best friend.”
The next day Mick comes again to the bar and orders 15 shots of whiskey.
The barman asks, “What’s wrong this time?”
Mick says, “I found out that my son is gay.”
The next day Mick comes in the bar and orders 20 shots of whiskey.
The barman says, “Christ, doesn’t anyone in your family like women?”
Mick looks up from his drink and says, “Apparently my wife does.”
 

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