Joke thread

A rather overweight woman is walking past a pet shop. Outside is a parrot in a cage. The parrot says "Oiii!" and the woman says "What?", "You fucking big fat ugly woman" replies the parrot. Obviously insulted by this, the woman storms off down the street.

The next day, she's walking past the parrot outside the pet shop and again it shouts "Oiii!" to which the woman replies "What?" again. "You fucking big fat ugly woman" replies the parrot and again the woman storms off.

On the third day, the woman is passing the pet shop again and once again the parrot shouts "Oiii!", the woman says "What?" and the parrot replies "You fucking big fat ugly woman". This time, the woman has had quite enough and enters the pet shop, tells the owner what the parrot has been calling her and that if it does the same again the next day, she'll go the police. The pet shop owner reassures her that he'll sort it out.

The following day the woman is once again walking past the parrot when it shouts "Oiii!", the woman replies "What!!!?" and the parrot replies .... "You fucking KNOW what!"
 
A rather overweight woman is walking past a pet shop. Outside is a parrot in a cage. The parrot says "Oiii!" and the woman says "What?", "You fucking big fat ugly woman" replies the parrot. Obviously insulted by this, the woman storms off down the street.

The next day, she's walking past the parrot outside the pet shop and again it shouts "Oiii!" to which the woman replies "What?" again. "You fucking big fat ugly woman" replies the parrot and again the woman storms off.

On the third day, the woman is passing the pet shop again and once again the parrot shouts "Oiii!", the woman says "What?" and the parrot replies "You fucking big fat ugly woman". This time, the woman has had quite enough and enters the pet shop, tells the owner what the parrot has been calling her and that if it does the same again the next day, she'll go the police. The pet shop owner reassures her that he'll sort it out.

The following day the woman is once again walking past the parrot when it shouts "Oiii!", the woman replies "What!!!?" and the parrot replies .... "You fucking KNOW what!"
By far and away the best one I've read on here. Brilliant that....in fact, it deserves a gif....

giphy.gif
 
A guy walks in to a pet shop looking to buy a parrot.
The only one in the shop has an enormous beak.
He asks the pet shop owner why it's beak is so long.
The owner replies, "It needs to have it's beak filed down every month because it tends to grow rather fast."
The guy makes a deal with the owner and he buys the parrot.
As he's leaving the shop, the owner says to him, "When you file the beak down, be sure you don't go beyond the nose holes, or he will drown when he drinks."
Bearing this in mind, the guy goes into a hardware shop to buy a file.
The hardware shop owner remarks to him, after showing him where the files are, "If you're gonna file the parrots beak down, make sure you don't file below the nose holes, otherwise he'll drown when he drinks."
"How do YOU know that?", asks the guy.
"It's common knowledge." replies the hardware shop owner. The guy thanks him for his advice, buys a file, and heads off home.
A couple of weeks later the guy is once again in the hardware shop, and the owner recognises him.
"Hey. How's your parrot?!
The guy replies sadly,
"He's dead."
"Oh. Sorry to hear that. Did you file too much of his beak off and he drowned?"

"No." replied the guy. "His head got crushed in the vice."
 
By far and away the best one I've read on here. Brilliant that....in fact, it deserves a gif....

giphy.gif
Doesn't do it for me, I'm afraid. I prefer the duck one:

A duck walks into a bike shop and asks the owner "Have you got any beer?"

"Sorry," says the owner, "it's a bike shop, we've only sell bicycles"

"OK," says the duck and leaves.

Five minutes later the duck walks back in and asks the owner "Have you got any beer?"

"Er..., no" says the owner, "as I said, it's a bike shop and we only sell bicycles"

"Right-o" says the duck and leaves.

After another five minutes the duck walks back in and asks the owner "Have you got any beer?"

"Look" snarls the owner, "This is a bike shop. We only sell bicycles. Ask one more time and I'll nail your fucking beak to the counter!"

"I was only asking" says the duck and leaves.

Another five minutes pass and the duck walks back in and asks the owner "Have you got any nails?"

"No," replies the owner.

"Right then, have you got any beer?"
 
Doesn't do it for me, I'm afraid. I prefer the duck one:

A duck walks into a bike shop and asks the owner "Have you got any beer?"

"Sorry," says the owner, "it's a bike shop, we've only sell bicycles"

"OK," says the duck and leaves.

Five minutes later the duck walks back in and asks the owner "Have you got any beer?"

"Er..., no" says the owner, "as I said, it's a bike shop and we only sell bicycles"

"Right-o" says the duck and leaves.

After another five minutes the duck walks back in and asks the owner "Have you got any beer?"

"Look" snarls the owner, "This is a bike shop. We only sell bicycles. Ask one more time and I'll nail your fucking beak to the counter!"

"I was only asking" says the duck and leaves.

Another five minutes pass and the duck walks back in and asks the owner "Have you got any nails?"

"No," replies the owner.

"Right then, have you got any beer?"
Hahaha.....that's quite good as well.
 

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