Joke thread

[bluebaja]

Do not give up the day job .....I repeat ..... do not give up the day job

Ha ! Thanks for the encouragement...given that it is the only joke I have ever made up I don't think I have a career in stand-up !

 

[billymumphrey]

I made this one up a few years ago. I think it's funny anyway.....

A group af schoolboys are about to play Rugby during a PE lesson. Before they start the teacher says;

'Right boys you will all know that the Rugby World Cup starts this week, and we are going to have a little competition. Everyone gets to pick a team and the boys who pick the team that wins The World Cup gets an extra day off school.'

Of course they are all excited about this, but one boy asks who gets to pick first.

'OK says the teacher, we will go off last weeks Maths test, the boy who got the most marks gets to pick first. So, James...who are you going to have ?'

'I think I'll have New Zealand Sir.'

'Robert?'

'Australia for me Sir.'

'Oliver?'

'Please Sir, I want Samoa.'


As you can possibly imagine, I am quite often the only one who laughs...still tickles me.

Why didn't he pick England, or South Africa, or another team more likely to win the world cup?

 

[chris63]

 

[bluebaja]

Why didn't he pick England, or South Africa, or another team more likely to win the world cup?

Well....maybe he saw the joke in 'can I have Samoa' himself.

 

[imrebanana]

Don't be so gruel :)

Well....maybe he saw the joke in 'can I have Samoa' himself.

 

[bluebaja]

This is better, think this one was from Viz...

The husband is on his deathbed aged 86. As he is drifting in and out of sleep his wife says to him;
'Do you have any regrets about your life?'
'Yes' says the husband, 'I regret that I never won anything in my whole life.'
The wife tenderly takes his hand and puts her face next to his.
'You did' she says. 'You won my heart'
'No you stupid cow' says the husband 'I mean something worth having like a Car...'

 

[BackofJeanette]

I know it's an oldie but I'm working with a guy from Hong Kong this week, and I'm taking him the game on Saturday!


Stevie Wonder is playing his 1st gig in China and the place is packed to the rafters.





In a bid to break the ice he asks if anyone has a request.
One chap jumps out of his seat in the 1st row and shouts at the top of his voice "Play a jazz chord ! Play a jazz chord!"

Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes. When he finishes the whole place goes wild.

The chap jumps out of his seat again and shouts - "No, no, play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord...".






A bit cheesed off by this, Stevie, being the professional he is, dives straight in to a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor chord and really tears the place apart. The crowd go ballistic with this impromptu show of his musical expertise. But, still the little Chinese man jumps up again and shouts "No, no. Play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord!!!". Stevie is really peed off now that this chap doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability and shouts to him from the stage -






"OK smart ass, you get up here and do it"..


The little bloke climbs onto the stage, takes hold of the mike and
starts to sing............






"a jazz chord to say , I ruv you...."

 

[BackofJeanette]

Socrates once said 'To be is to do.'

Descartes once said 'To do is to be.'

Louis Armstrong once said 'Do be do be do be.'

 

[jimharri]

Teacher : What's your favourite letter?

Student: The letter G.

Teacher : Why is that, Angus?

 

[dronefromsector7G]

A lorry containing Vicks Vaporub has overturned on the motorway, spilling the contents ; Police have confirmed there will be no congestion for eight hours.