After this I looked, and, behold, a door was opened in heaven: and the first voice which I heard was as it were of a trumpet talking with me; which said, Come up hither to Turf Moor, and I will shew thee things which must be hereafter. For we are called to the destruction of Burnleylona, the most sound defensive unit in all of world football, and the measuring rod of the Lord thy God.
And immediately I was in the spirit: and, behold, a throne was set in heaven, and one sat on the throne. And his name was Jose Mourinho.
And he that sat was to look upon like a jasper and a sardine stone: and there was a rainbow round about the throne, in sight like unto an emerald in a well-tailored suit.
And round about the throne were five and twenty seats: and upon the seats I saw five and twenty Chelsea players sitting, clothed in blue and white raiment; and they had on their heads crowns of gold.
And out of the throne proceeded lightnings and thunderings and voices: and there were seven lamps of fire burning before the throne, which are the seven Spirits of God. And a match was played under floodlights at eventide.
And before the throne there was a sea of grass like unto crystal: and in the midst of the pitch the throne, and round about the throne, were four beasts full of eyes before and behind. And these were Costa, Cesc, Schurrle, and Matic.
And the first Diego Costa beast was like unto the offspring of a lion who hath lain with a caveman, and the second Cesc beast like a Catalan calf with a toe of gold, and the third Schurrle beast had a face as the skeleton of a man, and the fourth Matic beast was like a flying eagle.
And the four beasts had each of them six wings about him; and they were full of eyes within and did pass the ball and control the match thereof: and they rest not day and night, saying, Holy, holy, holy, LORD Mourinho Almighty, which was, and is, and is to come. And Cesc’s pass did split the firmament, and Schurrle’s goal did bulge the net as the prophet had prophesied, and there was much rejoicing.
And when those beasts give glory and honour and thanks to him that sat on the throne, who liveth for ever and ever, and speaketh only in horse metaphors and false humility.
The four and twenty elders, and all the journalists assigned to cover them thither, fall down before him that sat on the throne, and worship him that liveth for ever and ever, and cast their crowns before the throne, saying,
Thou art worthy, O Jose, to receive glory and honour and power: for thou hast created all things, and for thy pleasure they are and were created. And Jose did chastise the referee for the penalty that was not given to the people of the lord, but did rejoice that the three goals scored, like unto a trinity, did spread the glory of Chelsea, even unto the far ends of the earth.