caught short

calum down

Well-Known Member
Joined
17 Jan 2009
Messages
3,776
Location
otium cum dignitate
as it had been such a lovely morning yesterday,
ida and i decided to wander on the moors and have a picnic luncheon.

about an hour into our adventure we were climbing a fairly steep hill.
i was a couple of yards in front of her,
so, in effect, my backside was only a few feet from her face.
naturally, i realised it was a chance to pause and break wind for comic effect.
alas, what i'd thought was going to be a fart of great timbre was in fact a short dose of the squits
and the joke back-fired on me.

miraculously, i instictively got my trousers down to my ankles in 0.5 milliseconds,
whilst simultaneously assuming the squatting position.
thankfully my clothes and boots escaped any splatter.

meanwhile, upon realising what was about to transpire,
ida's own instincts had made her instantly jump sideways to avoid a pebble-dashing.
by the time i turned to look she was already rolling about uproariously crylaughing,
but when i begged her for tissues she curled up and genuinely nearly wet herself.

i should state here that as a small child my nanny's nickname for me was "shittenarse".

after i'd cleaned up and we'd resumed our walk i was minded to tell ida a tale from 35 years ago...

aged 18, i'd somehow found myself in the final of a darts knockout tournament in a devonshire public house.
during the evening i'd won four games in a row and had consumed the same number of pints of scrumpy.
my only friend present handed me a fifth before i stepped up to the oche and asked me how i felt.
i was young and nervous and excited at possibly winning the £32 prize,
though the locals didn't seem too keen on a stranger taking away the spoils,
so i, rather prophetically, replied "i'm shitting myself, mate."
nearest to the bull, i was first up.
treble 20!
treble 20!
i couldn't believe it, what a start.
my guts were turning inside out.
the third dart sailed towards the treble 20, bounced off the other two and fell to the floor.
what had been almost total silence turned into loud cheers.
in one swift movement, i walked forward, all eyes on me, bent to pick up the fallen dart
and promptly filled my pants with an unexpected large turd.
it's not difficult to imagine the mirth this created
and i was roundly applauded as i dashed to the lavatory.
undaunted, i quickly cleaned up, binned my grundies and went back out combat.
i won, bought everyone in the place a pint and became a local legend.

anyone else got a tale of inconvenience?
 
I wish we could get the classics back, the one where the guy shits in bed then blames his girlfriend is the best ever!!! :-)
 

Don't have an account? Register now and see fewer ads!

SIGN UP
Back
Top
  AdBlock Detected
Bluemoon relies on advertising to pay our hosting fees. Please support the site by disabling your ad blocking software to help keep the forum sustainable. Thanks.