Twice in my life and thats two times to many :(
First, was when I was bladdered and had a whitey from joint i shared outside the boozer. Went home and about 3am and sweating like a pig so much I had to strip naked, I needed a shit, got to the bog and I mustve just passed out because an hour later I heard my mrs screaming. She'd found me face down on the floor with runny shit sprayed all over mi arse, legs and floor. She thought it was dried blood at first until the stench hit her. Worst 40 minutes of my life cleaning that up with a bad head.
Next 2 years ago, with the kids in the car my belly does a sharp left while driving home from town to Bury. We gets to Cheetham Hill and the cramps are unbearable and im straining with all my might to keep the lid on it, but alas, the dam burst and i'll never forget the feeling of warm diarrhea filling my underpants and swamping my balls. I had the windows all down but it didn't stop the kids going "urrgg whats that smell"? I managed to say oh sorry i've farted but they seemed a bit less convinced after two miles of it. Especially when I said just go and ask your mum to come out with a few towels. The days I spent trying to steam shit out of the drivers seat..
Dunno but I remember my mate saying his mrs' friend was on those diet tablets that suck all the fat out of your food to shit out.
She worked at the reception of a large Barclays Bank and was hurridly walking across reception to the loo when she shat buckets in front of a group of managers waiting in the foyer for a meeting.
I can certainly empathise with the poor woman.
The said tablets are called Alli. A mate of mine took some in work, which his wife had bought, but had decided not to take.
Whilst on his break another bloke who worked with him came in with his tea, which was the special from the kebab shop. This monster consisted of a garlic naan bread covered in tomato puree, cheese, donner meat, chips, salad and finished of with garlic mayo. Ironically he had a can of diet Pepsi with it.
Anyway my mate struck up conversation with him and told him these tablets allowed you to eat such hearty delicasey without putting weight on. This bloke was only in his mid twenties and although a bit of a salad dodger did fancy himself as a bit of a handsome chap.
Once he'd polished this keebab of he had three trips to the vending machine having three Snickers for desert.
He then asked my mate if he wanted the Alli and whether he wanted to sell them to him. My mate realising that there could be a catastraphy on the horizon tried to explain that it probably wouldn't be a good idea to take them, but this bloke was adamant he wanted them.
My mate gave them too him and tried again to explain, but this bloke clearly didn't take any notice and it later transpired that he took way over the daily recommended dose.
He wasn't in work the following evening with blokes of his shift telling my mate that around four hours later whilst on the Road in his van he cracked one off and immediately followed through. Further flatulence followed, with him proceeding to all but shit out his insides. His mate in the van was nearly vomiting and all the way back up the M6 had his head out the window like Ace Ventura.
