A diary of Arsenal’s 2011/12 season.
July.
Arsenal play a tin-pot friendly tournament at the Emirates against teams which are a month behind in their preparations, and bum them all silly. Fabregas is the world’s best player in the world’s greatest youth team, which will win everything in sight in the coming season. The match between PSG and Hamburg is stopped for 3 minutes while Sagna gets treatment for a head injury sustained while tackling his own player down by the corner flag - on the training ground. Wenger is happy with his goalkeepers. Barcelona are rumoured to be preparing a £500m bid for Fabregas.
August.
The Gunners batter all the Premier League’s cannon fodder in the opening weeks. Fabregas is on top form; Nasri is running rings around the opposition; Walcott is tearing full-backs to shreds, and Van Persie is blasting them in from everywhere. The match against newly-promoted [insert club here] is stopped for 5 minutes while Sagna gets treatment for a head injury sustained by tackling his own player down by the corner flag. Song is OK to continue. Wenger is happy with his goalkeepers. Barcelona deny any interest in Fabregas.
September.
The Gunners rout some [insert eastern European debutant] team in the Champions League at the Emirates. Fabregas is now up there with the likes of Pele and Maradona in the pantheon of footballing greats. Walcott chips a fingernail and has to be stretchered off by St. John Ambulance staff while the paramedic administers oxygen - he will miss the next month. Van Persie breaks his metatarsal for the 200th time when it makes contact with the ball. The match against Liverpool is stopped for 5 minutes while Sagna gets treatment for a head injury sustained down by the corner flag when Bendtner’s pink boot comes flying after he attempts an ambitious overhead kick from halfway. Almunia just about manages to tip the ball over the bar. Wenger is happy with his goalkeepers. Barcelona decide they cannot afford Fabregas but Barca players tell a Spanish radio station how much they want him to join during the international break.
October.
Arsenal reserves wallop [insert League Two opposition] in the Carling Cup at the Emirates. The London media claim they are good enough to win the World Cup too. Bendtner scores 8 and proclaims himself the world’s best footballer. The media disagree and still champion Fabregas. Mario Balotelli has a hissy fit and tells everyone who will listen that no player comes close to his god-like stature. He’s now added bib management to his list of skills. The match against Wigan is stopped for 12 minutes while Sagna gets treatment for a head injury sustained pulling his own socks up down by the corner flag. Wenger is happy with his goalkeepers.
November.
89% possession at the Emirates against Manchester United. Final score Arsenal 0 Manchester United 3. Manuel Almunia gets 2 of the goals. This is followed by Arsenal creeping over the line to qualify for the next round of the Champions League as group runners-up. Barcelona are up next, and the Gunners will show everybody their new-found maturity and ability to win all competitions. Physical contests against Stoke and Blackburn result in Fabregas taking a month off to nurse his pinged hamstrings. The match against Blackburn is stopped for 22 minutes while Sagna gets treatment for a head injury sustained by tackling his own player down by the corner flag while the ball was in Blackburn’s penalty area. Wenger blames Allardyce, but he is happy with his goalkeepers. Almunia is dropped for Fabianski for the next 5 games.
December.
75% possession against Chelsea at Stamford Bridge. Bendtner misses 5 one-on-ones and 10 sitters. Chelsea nip up the other end, Drogba bullies the entire Arsenal back-line out of the way and Lampard steams in to scuff the ball in off a post via a fortuitous deflection off Fabianski, [insert French-speaking central defender] and Sagna. The match is stopped for 33 minutes while Sagna gets treatment for a head injury sustained by head butting his own goalpost after dashing in from down by the corner flag. Barcelona decide they don’t need Fabregas after all. Wenger is happy with his goalkeepers.
January.
A cold month becomes a frosty one as Wenger accuses the fourth official of touching kids in his day job, during the match against Birmingham City. The fourth official reports him to the FA, despite being a paediatrician by trade, and the FA hand out a 2 match ban for intimidating officials. Arsenal win 3 Premier League games in a row to move within 3 points of the league leaders. This includes a 3-0 home win against Tottenham Hotspur, after Redknapp’s earlier claims that Spurs are good enough to win the title. Arsenal also win the Carling Cup semi-final against [insert Championship club] and are within sight of their first trophy of the season. Sagna stays clear of injury this month. Wenger is less happy with his goalkeepers after Fabianski breaks his thumb putting his gloves on the wrong hands. Barcelona offer 50 youth players, a signed Thierry Henry shirt and 2 tickets to el Clasico at the Nou Camp in return for Fabregas.
February.
Arsenal go out of the FA Cup, beaten by Manchester United at Old Trafford despite having 99% possession. They are also beaten in the Carling Cup final by [insert name of any club that decides to put the ball in the back of the net instead of dicking about with 30-pass triangles around the edge of the area]. Still, there are 2 trophies to contest so all to play for. Vermaelen, Squillaci and [insert French-speaking young athletic centre back] are all out injured for the rest of the season. Fulham and Bolton secure a share of the points in the league. The match against Fulham is held up for 64 minutes as Sagna gets treatment for a head injury sustained down by the corner flag due to Hangeland’s icy stare. Rosicky makes a comeback from injury, gets tackled by a blade of grass and is out again for 6 months. Wenger decides he’s happy with his goalkeepers and selects Poland’s 8th choice goalkeeper to play between the sticks. Barcelona decide they are happy with their squad.
March.
The Gunners bow out of the Champions League. Barcelona are just too mature and Lionel Messi scores 10 at the Nou Camp against a scratch back four. The same back four that looked like world beaters back in August. The match is held up for 25 minutes as Sagna gets treatment for a head injury sustained by tackling himself down by the corner flag. Barcelona will assess their squad in the summer before deciding whether to push for Fabregas. Wenger decides not to talk about his goalkeepers.
April.
The league title has gone now, as Arsenal lose at Old Trafford without troubling the goalkeeper, and despite having 100% possession and completing 2500 passes according to Opta. A 10-point lead is too much to make up with a depleted squad lacking a reliable goalkeeper or durable centre backs. The match is held up for 11 minutes as Sagna gets treatment for a head injury sustained down by the corner flag. There are no players near him this time. He just went up to head a ball away and got smacked in the eye by a flailing peroxide coloured dreadlock. But the captain is back! Wenger is happy with his goalkeepers.
May.
Arsenal show their early season form in despatching all the bottom half teams at the Emirates. Fabregas looks a world-beater again, and Van Persie returns to spank a couple of penalties against already-relegated [insert team here]. The last match of the season, against mid-table Aston Villa at the Emirates, is held up for 47 minutes as Sagna gets treatment for a head injury sustained down by the corner flag. Ever the joker, teammate Eboue ties Sagna’s bootlaces together as he prepares to take a throw-in. Sagna trips up and knocks himself out on his own cock. Eboue comes on as substitute and decides he’d rather play in midfield, leaving Poland’s 44th choice goalkeeper to play sweeper as Almunia is back to don the goalkeepers’ gloves. The Emirates rings to a hearty chorus of “Who are ya?” as Villa’s reserve team are despatched 5-1 – Almunia scoring for Villa.
Arsene Wenger proclaims himself as proud of his young squad, particularly his goalkeepers, and suggests that with a little more maturity, silverware will soon arrive at the Emirates. He starts planning for 2012/13 by signing 15 10-year-old Polish goalkeepers, 30 young French and French/African defenders, plus 18 wonderkid Spanish midfielders. With this added depth to the squad, the quadruple will be theirs. The board extend their gratitude to Wenger for Arsenal’s successful season after they reach the next season’s Champions League without spending any money on transfers. At the same time the club announce a record £2.5bn turnover for the year as corporate boxes at the Emirates sell out for £4m per game.
