joke thread....

Discussion in 'Off Topic' started by citymantop, 28 Jan 2014.

  1. bazbarrybazzer


    22 Oct 2007
    I told a joke to a cured kleptomaniac. He said he didn't get it.
  2. bumbleblue


    16 Jan 2009
    South stand level 3.
    My three year old son was trying to open a yoghurt this morning, after a few minutes he said
    “Stupid bastard fucking lid”
    My wife , shocked said
    “Where’s he got that from?”
    I said
    “The fridge you daft ****”
  3. talkativesprout


    30 Mar 2009
    Put tin foil on your ears and microwave your fucking head...My inner voice said, I said...That is fucking dreadful
  4. jimharri


    30 Dec 2007
    Occasional idiot
    Surrounded by the dark side of the force
    Mick walked into the pub and sat on a barstool. He asks the barman for 10 shots of whiskey. The barmansays, “What’s the matter? That's a lot of whiskey.”
    Mickreplies, “I found out my brother is gay and is marrying my best friend.”
    The next day Mick comes again to the bar and orders 15 shots of whiskey.
    The barman asks, “What’s wrong this time?”
    Mick says, “I found out that my son is gay.”
    The next day Mick comes in the bar and orders 20 shots of whiskey.
    The barman says, “Christ, doesn’t anyone in your family like women?”
    Mick looks up from his drink and says, “Apparently my wife does.”
  5. Zubrman


    25 Aug 2008
    Train Driver
    OAP section
    A chap came home from the pub drunk and his Mrs gave him an ultimatum; if he were to come home drunk once more, she would leave him.

    The next day he was back in the pub and was so drunk that he threw up all down the front of his jacket.

    He told the barman how much trouble he now would be in if he went home like that. The barman gave him some advice.

    "Tell your wife that it was someone else who threw up on you. Put a twenty pound note in your inside pocket now, and show her it when you get home. Tell her that the guy who vomited on you gave you the money for dry cleaning."

    He did that and set off for home. When he got there his wife was appalled at the state he was in and was just about to start on him when he held up his hand.

    "It's not what you think, Love. I'm not drunk. Some bloke did this on my jacket and he gave me twenty quid for the dry cleaning."

    He pulled out the cash to show her.

    "Why have you got two twenty pound notes then?" she asked him.

    "The other twenty quid was from the guy who shat in my trousers."
  6. Blue Mist

    Blue Mist

    14 Aug 2005
    Free the Catalan 2
    Brilliant, would never have guessed that punch line.
  7. tamworthblue


    16 Feb 2008
    me too, i chuckled although I shoudn't have
  8. Barcon


    21 Nov 2009
    Toronto via Failsworth
    Don't fucking get him back here.
  9. dronefromsector7G


    1 Jul 2015
    Standing on a fine line, between this and that
    Last night I replaced the bed with a trampoline.

    The missus hit the roof.
  10. AVCol


    30 Sep 2017
    Horse is in the pub having a few when spots a donkey in the corner so he nips over to have a natter, donkey asks "what did you do for a living" horse says " I ran on the flat in the summer and over the jumps in the winter", Donkey says "I worked with the kids on blackpool beach" , then he asks "did you win anything" horse says "yeah on the flat I won the Oaks, St. Leger and the Derby and over the jumps I won the Grand National and the Gold Cup”, they arrange to meet at the donkey's house a week later, donkey thinks, "I need to impress this c*** he's done everything" , so he buys a big picture of a zebra and hangs it above the fireplace, the horse arrives and says "lovely place you have here and who's that in the picture on the wall", donkey replies " thats me when I played for Juventus !

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