joke thread....

Discussion in 'Off Topic' started by citymantop, 28 Jan 2014.

  1. jimharri

    jimharri

    Joined:
    30 Dec 2007
    Occupation:
    Occasional idiot
    Location:
    Surrounded by the dark side of the force
    A woman walks into a BMW Dealers. She browses around, spots the Top-of-the-range Beemer and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to feel the fine leather upholstery, she mistakenly breaks wind.

    She felt very ashamed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a salesman doesn’t pop up right now.

    As she turns around, her worst nightmare comes true in the form of a salesman standing right behind her. Cool like Johnny Depp and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady With, “Good day, Madame. How may I help you today?” Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at the time of her accident, she asks, “Sir, what is the price of this lovely car?”

    Salesman answers, “Madam, if you farted just touching it, you are going to shit yourself when I tell you the price."
     
  2. Wreckless Alec

    Wreckless Alec

    Joined:
    27 Dec 2009
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Gone fishin'
    That's appalling and funny in equal measure
     
  3. dronefromsector7G

    dronefromsector7G

    Joined:
    1 Jul 2015
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Standing on a fine line, between this and that
    Took my missus to the doc to sort out her Tourette’s. Turns out she doesn’t have it, I am a **** and she really does want me to fuck off
     
  4. BJL_City

    BJL_City

    Joined:
    13 Dec 2016
    well, we knew that anyway.
     
  5. TheBlueDune

    TheBlueDune

    Joined:
    16 Jan 2011
    Location:
    Cloud 9
    I got in a load of trouble at the farm recently with my German boss.
    Turned out he wanted me to order 30 sows and pigs, not 30,000 pigs.....
     
  6. TheBlueDune

    TheBlueDune

    Joined:
    16 Jan 2011
    Location:
    Cloud 9
    Bride on her wedding night says to her hubby
    "I must confess I was once a hooker"

    Hubby responds
    "That's ok, your past is your past but I must admit I find it quite erotic, tell me more about it"

    She says "Well my name was Dave and I played for Wigan Warriors"
     
  7. Ifwecouldjust.......

    Ifwecouldjust.......

    Joined:
    26 Jan 2010
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    East Stand Level 1
    I went into a book store and asked the assistant 'Wheres the Self Help section?'


    She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose
     
  8. talkativesprout

    talkativesprout

    Joined:
    30 Mar 2009
    Just seen my mate One Armed Dave, I said eh Dave where are you going and He said i'm off to change a light bulb. Given his disability i said that will be a bit of a struggle wont it hee hee...Not really you insensitive **** he said, i still have the receipt....
     
  9. MellowJoe

    MellowJoe

    Joined:
    29 Dec 2016
    Gender:
    Male
    Our dog doesn't have any legs. He's called Woodbine. I take him out for a drag every night.

    The managing director of Dulux has been been found dead on the streets, frozen to death. Experts say he needed another coat.
     
  10. BackofJeanette

    BackofJeanette

    Joined:
    20 Apr 2011
    Bloke comes home early and finds his mate shagging his wife, so he stabbed the fucker to death.
    Wife says " carry on like that and you'll have no mates left!"
     

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