joke thread....

Discussion in 'Off Topic' started by citymantop, 28 Jan 2014.

  1. BackofJeanette

    BackofJeanette

    Joined:
    20 Apr 2011
    I know it's an oldie but I'm working with a guy from Hong Kong this week, and I'm taking him the game on Saturday!


    Stevie Wonder is playing his 1st gig in China and the place is packed to the rafters.





    In a bid to break the ice he asks if anyone has a request.
    One chap jumps out of his seat in the 1st row and shouts at the top of his voice "Play a jazz chord ! Play a jazz chord!"

    Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes. When he finishes the whole place goes wild.

    The chap jumps out of his seat again and shouts - "No, no, play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord...".






    A bit cheesed off by this, Stevie, being the professional he is, dives straight in to a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor chord and really tears the place apart. The crowd go ballistic with this impromptu show of his musical expertise. But, still the little Chinese man jumps up again and shouts "No, no. Play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord!!!". Stevie is really peed off now that this chap doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability and shouts to him from the stage -






    "OK smart ass, you get up here and do it"..


    The little bloke climbs onto the stage, takes hold of the mike and
    starts to sing............






    "a jazz chord to say , I ruv you...."
     
  2. BackofJeanette

    BackofJeanette

    Joined:
    20 Apr 2011
    Socrates once said 'To be is to do.'

    Descartes once said 'To do is to be.'

    Louis Armstrong once said 'Do be do be do be.'
     
  3. jimharri

    jimharri

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    Occasional idiot
    Location:
    Surrounded by the dark side of the force
    Teacher : What's your favourite letter?

    Student: The letter G.

    Teacher : Why is that, Angus?
     
  4. dronefromsector7G

    dronefromsector7G

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    Standing on a fine line, between this and that
    A lorry containing Vicks Vaporub has overturned on the motorway, spilling the contents ; Police have confirmed there will be no congestion for eight hours.
     
  5. Big Swifty

    Big Swifty

    Joined:
    8 Nov 2011
    I was appointed sex counsellor by my old Head of department.

    Or so I assume. He said to me "When I want your f*cking advice I'll ask for it"
     
  6. ColinBellsjockstrap

    ColinBellsjockstrap

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    This girl went to the doctors with a chesty cough.

    The doctor got his stethoscope out, put it to her breasts and said "Right....big breaths"

    She replied "Yeth, and I'm not thixteen yet"



    Woman goes into a dry cleaners, pulls a dress out of a bag and says

    "Can you get these stains out for me"

    The woman behind the counter didn't quite catch what she said, so she asked

    "Come again"

    Woman says, "No it's salad cream"



    At my hospital appointment this morning, the consultant told me I had to loose some weight before I have surgery.
    He said, 'Don't eat anything fatty'.
    I said, 'you mean like butter and cheese?'
    He said, 'No, fatty, I mean don't eat anything!'
     
  7. ColinBellsjockstrap

    ColinBellsjockstrap

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    Location:
    Bury/Rossendale/Stalyvegas
    A man goes into a chemists and asks for a packet of 5mm Durex.

    The chemist says "Blimey, they will only fit a mouse"

    The man replies "I know, the bleedin' house is overrun with them!"
     
  8. Oi....that was mine fron last year.....use your own material.
     
  9. beano46

    beano46

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    Male
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    On the outside looking in.
    Alan Sheared, there's a joke.
     
  10. jimharri

    jimharri

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    30 Dec 2007
    Occupation:
    Occasional idiot
    Location:
    Surrounded by the dark side of the force
    What; sheep?
     

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