joke thread....

Discussion in 'Off Topic' started by citymantop, 28 Jan 2014.

  1. BackofJeanette

    BackofJeanette

    Joined:
    20 Apr 2011
    Socrates once said 'To be is to do.'

    Descartes once said 'To do is to be.'

    Louis Armstrong once said 'Do be do be do be.'
     
  2. jimharri

    jimharri

    Joined:
    30 Dec 2007
    Occupation:
    Occasional idiot
    Location:
    Surrounded by the dark side of the force
    Teacher : What's your favourite letter?

    Student: The letter G.

    Teacher : Why is that, Angus?
     
  3. dronefromsector7G

    dronefromsector7G

    Joined:
    1 Jul 2015
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Standing on a fine line, between this and that
    A lorry containing Vicks Vaporub has overturned on the motorway, spilling the contents ; Police have confirmed there will be no congestion for eight hours.
     
  4. Big Swifty

    Big Swifty

    Joined:
    8 Nov 2011
    I was appointed sex counsellor by my old Head of department.

    Or so I assume. He said to me "When I want your f*cking advice I'll ask for it"
     
  5. ColinBellsjockstrap

    ColinBellsjockstrap

    Joined:
    23 Dec 2009
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Bury/Rossendale/Stalyvegas
    This girl went to the doctors with a chesty cough.

    The doctor got his stethoscope out, put it to her breasts and said "Right....big breaths"

    She replied "Yeth, and I'm not thixteen yet"



    Woman goes into a dry cleaners, pulls a dress out of a bag and says

    "Can you get these stains out for me"

    The woman behind the counter didn't quite catch what she said, so she asked

    "Come again"

    Woman says, "No it's salad cream"



    At my hospital appointment this morning, the consultant told me I had to loose some weight before I have surgery.
    He said, 'Don't eat anything fatty'.
    I said, 'you mean like butter and cheese?'
    He said, 'No, fatty, I mean don't eat anything!'
     
  6. ColinBellsjockstrap

    ColinBellsjockstrap

    Joined:
    23 Dec 2009
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Bury/Rossendale/Stalyvegas
    A man goes into a chemists and asks for a packet of 5mm Durex.

    The chemist says "Blimey, they will only fit a mouse"

    The man replies "I know, the bleedin' house is overrun with them!"
     
  7. Oi....that was mine fron last year.....use your own material.
     
  8. beano46

    beano46

    Joined:
    22 Mar 2009
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    On the outside looking in.
    Alan Sheared, there's a joke.
     
  9. jimharri

    jimharri

    Joined:
    30 Dec 2007
    Occupation:
    Occasional idiot
    Location:
    Surrounded by the dark side of the force
    What; sheep?
     
  10. taleofbluehalves

    taleofbluehalves

    Joined:
    19 Oct 2010
    The bloke who invented The Jug has died. Tributes are pouring in .....
     

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