jokes

[mcfcnorthstand]

Gordon Brown tragedy

Mr Brown visits a school

GORDON BROWN was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the
classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and
their meanings. The teacher asked Mr. BROWN if he would like to lead the
discussion on the word 'tragedy'.

So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy'.

A little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on a
farm, is playing in the field & a tractor runs over him and kills him,
that would be a 'tragedy.'

No, said GORDON - that would be an accident.'

A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying fifty children
drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy'
I'm afraid not, explained GORDON - that's what we would call a great
loss'

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. GORDON searched the
room. 'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a
tragedy?'

Finally, at the back of the room, little Johnny raised his hand...

In a quiet voice he said: 'If A plane carrying you and MR. DARLING was
struck by a 'friendly fire' missile & blown to smithereens, that would
be a tragedy.'

'Fantastic!' exclaimed GORDON. 'That's right. And can you tell me why
that would be tragedy?'

'Well,' says little Johnny 'it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly
wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be an accident
either!'

 

[mcfcnorthstand]

Why sentence structure is important

The boss had to fire somebody and he narrowed it down to one of two
people Debra or Jack.

It was an impossible decision because they were both super workers.
Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used
the water cooler the next morning.

Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all
night. She went straight to the cooler to take an aspirin.

The boss approached her and said: 'Debra, I've never done this before
but I have to lay you or Jack off.'

'Could you jack off?' she says. 'I feel like sh$t.'

 

[mcfcnorthstand]

It's Raining, It's Pouring
Oh sh!t, it's Global Warming.
----------------------------------
Jack and Jill went into town
To fetch some chips and sweeties.
He can't keep his heart rate down
And she's got diabetes.

----------------------------------------
Mary had a little lamb
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her
Between two chunks of bread.

-----------------------------------------
Mary had a little lamb
It ran into a pylon.
10,000 volts went up its @rse
And turned its wool to nylon.
----------------------------------------------
Georgie Porgie Pudding and Pie
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
When the boys came out to play
He kissed them too cause he was gay.
--------------------------------------------------
Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
And planned to do some kissing.
Jack made a pass
And grabbed her ass
Now two of his teeth are missing.
------------------------------------------------------
Mary had a little lamb
Its fleece was white and wispy.
Then it caught Foot and Mouth Disease
And now it's black and crispy

 

[mcfcnorthstand]

A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"

He says, "Yes, just caffeine."

"Have you ever been in the service?'' the interviewer asks.

"Yes," he answers, "I was in Iraq for two years."

The interviewer says, "That will give you five extra points toward employment here, are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says, "Yes, an IED exploded near me and blew my testicles clean off."

The interviewer tells the guy, "O.K. In that case, I can hire you right now. Normal hours are from 8a.m. to 4 p.m.
You can start tomorrow at 10 a.m. and plan on starting at 10 a.m. every day. Don't worry, we'll still pay you from 8a.m."

The guy is puzzled and says, "If the hours are from 8 a.m.to 4 p.m., why don't you want me to be here before 10 a.m.?"

''This is a government job," the interviewer says. "For the first two hours we just stand around drinking coffee and
scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."

 

[mcfcnorthstand]

Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?

A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. What's a mixed feeling?

A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q What's the height of conceit?

A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q. What's the definition of macho?

A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?

A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?

A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q.Why is divorce so expensive?

A. Because it's worth it!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. What is a Yankee?

A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?

A. They both like a tight seal.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q. What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?

A. Their balls are just for decoration.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q.What is the difference between 'ooooooh'and 'aaaaaaah'?

A. About three inches.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?

A. The grip.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?

A. It's not hard.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?

A: Kick his sister in the jaw.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?

A: 45 pounds.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?

A: 45 minutes.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?

A: Breasts don't have eyes.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?

A. The swallow.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?

A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A . They don't have balls to scratch!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

[Joycee Banercheck]

It's Raining, It's Pouring
Oh sh!t, it's Global Warming.
----------------------------------
Jack and Jill went into town
To fetch some chips and sweeties.
He can't keep his heart rate down
And she's got diabetes.

----------------------------------------
Mary had a little lamb
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her
Between two chunks of bread.

-----------------------------------------
Mary had a little lamb
It ran into a pylon.
10,000 volts went up its @rse
And turned its wool to nylon.
----------------------------------------------
Georgie Porgie Pudding and Pie
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
When the boys came out to play
He kissed them too cause he was gay.
--------------------------------------------------
Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
And planned to do some kissing.
Jack made a pass
And grabbed her ass
Now two of his teeth are missing.
------------------------------------------------------
Mary had a little lamb
Its fleece was white and wispy.
Then it caught Foot and Mouth Disease
And now it's black and crispy

Little boy blue
He needed the money

 

[Pearcey]

Why sentence structure is important

The boss had to fire somebody and he narrowed it down to one of two
people Debra or Jack.

It was an impossible decision because they were both super workers.
Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used
the water cooler the next morning.

Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all
night. She went straight to the cooler to take an aspirin.

The boss approached her and said: 'Debra, I've never done this before
but I have to lay you or Jack off.'

'Could you jack off?' she says. 'I feel like sh$t.'

Quality :)

 

[jimharri]

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is
also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.

"I'm sorry, sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a
dirty fork from a previous customer. I'll smell it and order from
there."

A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks
up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to
him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath.

"Ah, yes, that's what I'll have -- meatloaf and mashed potatoes."

Unbelievable, the owner thinks as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook
happens to be the owner's wife. He tells her what had just happened.

The blind man eats his meal and leaves.

Several days later, the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly
brings him a menu again.

"Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man."

"I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork."

The owner retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man.

After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great. I'll
take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli."

Walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing
around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man
comes in he's going to test him.

The blind man eats and leaves.

He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming
and runs to the kitchen.

He tells his wife, "Sue, rub this fork on your panties before I take
it to the blind man."

Sue complies and hands her husband the fork. As the blind man walks in
and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.

"Good afternoon, sir, this time I remembered you and I already have
the fork ready for you."

The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff, and says,
"Hey I didn't know that Sue worked here..."

 

[jimharri]

First heard at the Palace theatre, circa 1951;
Two women are playing golf on a sunny afternoon when one of them slices her shot into a foursome of men. To her horror, one of the men collapses in agony with both hands in his crotch. She runs to him apologizing profusely, explaining that she is a physical therapist and can help ease his pain.

"No thanks... just give me a few minutes... I'll be fine..." he replies quietly with his hands still between his legs. Taking it upon herself to help the poor man, she gently undoes the front of his pant and starts massaging his genitals.

"Doesn't that feel better?" she asks.

"Well... yes... That feels pretty good," he admits. "But my thumb still hurts like hell."

 

[jimharri]

And another;
Hillary Clinton goes to a primary school in New York to talk about the world.After her talk she offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand, and the Senator asks him what his name is.
"Kenneth." "And what is your question, Kenneth?", she asks.
"I have three questions: First - whatever happened to your medical health care plan? Second - why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office? And third - whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House?"
Just then the bell rings for recess. Hillary Clinton informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.When they resume Hillary says, "Okay where were we? Oh, that's right, question time. Who has a question?"

A different little boy puts his hand up; Hillary points him out and asks him what his name is.
"Larry." "And what is your question, Larry?"
"I have five questions: First - whatever happened to your medical health care plan? Second - why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office? Third - whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House? Fourth - why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early? And fifth - what happened to Kenneth?"