Slurgie Arrested!

bluetonium

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Sir Alex Ferguson has been arrested for shoplifting at Sainsbury's. The ancient football manager was spotted at the Stretford branch of Sainsbury's on Sunday morning, being kept guard over by two security staff, away from the general public, as they awaited the arrival of the police.

Alarms were triggered after the bulbous-nosed wino set off security measures by trying to escape the supermarket without paying for goods, bringing the entire store to a stand still. One passer-by told us that Ferguson seemed to be carrying at least four bottles of store-brand Whiskey under his arms, concealed in part by an old and , reportedly, very smelly, overcoat. One particular lady commented that "He was very rude, pushing past people, and spittle was just flying everywhere. When the security guard collared him he mumbled something about a turtle's head and being untouchable."

Another shopper revealed that before the arrest Ferguson appeared agitated, a little unbalanced, and "(he) was quite red in the face. In fact I thought at first a baboon had escaped from Chester Zoo or Knowsley and was bearing it's arse in the fruit and veg section. Then it's 'bumhole' opened up and started swearing at some stacked pineapples, so I knew it must be that Man United manager again."

Indeed, to the regular shoppers and workers at this store, secret Stanna Stairlift worshipper Ferguson seems to be something of a local celebrity for non-footballing reasons. One high-pitched youth, working at the store to help fund his £9000 a year Leisure & Tourism course, recalled to our reporter no less that four occasions where Ferguson had caused a scene in the shop, on one occasional going as far as to smash several bottles of assorted spirits in the alcohol aisle and then blame the child sat in the trolley next to him, but admitted that this was the first time he had seen him actually arrested.

Sir Alex did not wish to comment at the time, but since has issued the following statement, seemingly dictated but not read;

"Dae Press

Wha ya loo-in ah? Eh? Foo y'all. An' foo Mike Dean tae. Gi' im cup game wil ya? Preeks. 'im an' Akkinson. Ruin me thi' will. Wherz Howie? 'Lil Howie Webb. E's a guddun. Aw crap, m' pants ae broon nae. Jus like 'n Prague. Bollox... (snoring)"

Police do not expect to charge Sir Ferguson, after it was reportedly clearly confirmed to Greater Manchester Police that Sir Alex Ferguson was indeed that Sir Alex Ferguson, but did confirm that an elderly man was arrested at the store on the Sunday in question in response to complaints from the general public of disturbing the peace, which, after a fish supper and a couple of glasses of warm milk were consumed, were found to be totally unfounded.

Retail giants Sainsbury's meanwhile have taken action, extending their ban on entering the store in slippers and dressing gowns to now also include all items of clothing with traces of bodily fluids present. The Sainsbury's store in Stretford is expected to announce it's imminent closure as a result.
 

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