I’m ashamed to say I’ve done this twice and had a few near misses too, when I got to go I really have to go, and as my fiancée could testify “you have to get out of the effing toilets now” if I’m in need!
Most recent time was after the FA cup win last year, was drinking all day and night, champagne and mixing all kinds of drinks. Next day I awoke to the mother of all hangovers, could hardly move and lay in bed for a good half an hour stark bollock naked doing naff all but remembering we’d won a cup. Luckily she was downstairs doing something and I was lay on my front when I decided to let one go. Immediately thought it didn’t feel right and it audibly gargled. So I had to do the acid test, felt round to my arse and I had done the deed and it was delicately balancing in my crack and top of my legs. Remembering there was bog roll not too far from the bed I started edging towards it, careful not to alter the angle of my arse and have it escape all over the bed. Managed to reach it, clean up, get to the bathroom and shower without any spillage and without her knowing, result!
First time will live with me forever, used to walk to high school (good hour walk) so that I could save my bus fare and spend usually on cigs. One morning got half way to school and thought “OK not funny now, really have to go” it was too early for any pubs or anything be open, my only hope was a petrol station about 15 walk from my destination. Walked in and explained politely how I was touching cloth and really needed to go, but was told “soz it’s for staff only mate.” I said I know but pleaded hoping he would feel for me and bend the rules, “I won’t even do a full one mate, just one to take the top off it” but he wasn’t for budging. Got arsey and started having a go but it was wasting time, I had to go for it.
Got all the way down this long road walking like a penguin holding my cheeks together just to make sure and was in sight of school and remember thinking “I’ve made it” just as my arse said “Oh really?” and decided it wasn’t hanging on any longer. I remember standing in the street, about 8.30 in the morning with cars going past while I just stood there horrifyingly curling one out inside my boxers in total shock. “I’ve just shat myself, I can’t believe I’ve just shat myself”.
Got in to school and went straight for the bogs, no bins to chuck the boxers away and the cistern was behind a wall so I had no choice, flush the f*ckers!! I did what I could cleaning myself up, I should really have gone straight home but my parents paid for me to go to this school and I was already in trouble for “sickies” so I thought I’ll stick it out. Soon as I walked in to first lesson (French) and sat down, now commando, someone said “F*cking hell it stinks of sh*t in here.” All I could do is play along, “f*cking hell yeah has someone shat themselves, I bet it’s him the dirty bast...” He got stick for shatting himself for the rest of the day and for months afterwards, felt a bit bad but it was him or me!!