Not football related.

A few years back, I was on a night out in Sheffield, but was staying at a travelodge. I'd got into a right state and had to be carried back to the hotel when the night finished, they had got me a kebab to 'fill my stomach up' though. My mates got me into my room and left me to crash out.

I wake up about 2 hours later, still pissed, but wondering where the fuck I am. Its still dark outside and I cant quite make anything out. Just a strip of light coming in from the landing outside.

I need a shit and the kebab I had was making me feel like shit, had the rumbles of the stomach, so in my pissed up wisdom I decide to go to the toilet.

Forgetting that most hotel rooms have thier own toilet, I stumble out to the landing in my boxers. Locking myself out of my room in the process. I think fuck, this isn't good. But the pain in my stomach had now begun to hit me arse, so I need a shit, bad.

I waddle off in the direction of where I'm hoping a toilet will be. It was one of them duck waddles, where you feel like you're farting with every walk you take. I'm trying to hold it in, but I know if I dont get to a toilet NOW, it'll be coming out

Cant find a fucking toilet on the landing, panicking, I'm running up the landing, by now my arse has reached bursting point. I hit the stairs, go down a flight and see what looks like a cleaners room. It will have to do.

I spy a mop bucket, and use it. No paper anywhere so I use my boxers when finished.

Problem one solved.


Problem two hit me.


I was locked out of my room, stark naked, in a cleaners cupboard room that stunk of shit. What the fuck do I do? If that sounds dodgy reading it, imagine what it would look like in person if someone came across me

I try to find something to cover my privates up. The only thing that looks remotely like it'd do the job is a bunch of jay cloths. I remember coming across a stapler too for some reason. So in my pissed up wisdom I decide to try and make a towel thing out of jay cloths by stapling different pieces together.

Manage to do that and sneak back upstairs and wake up my mate who was in the room opposite to go downstairs and ask for me to be let into my room. Job done, I clean myself up, pack up my stuff and promtly leave the hotel.

I tell my mates I'll meet them back in Manchester, so i walk the streets of Sheffield in the freezing cold for 3 hours before the first train back. Definately preferred that to the chance of being caught as the culprit

My mates still ask me to this day what the fuck happened, and I aint told them yet!! Would never live the pisstaking down!!

This is the most hilarious thread I've ever read on Bluemoon. Just sorry I've not got a toilet story to share. I like to keep my bizzbox secrets to myself.

Not footy related but -
I was going through a split with an old bird in the 90's and i had a full sesh on the cider. I met up with my niece and her mates late on and she decided to look after me. At the bar, she said she could smell shit. I said me too, thinking someone had dropped one at the bar before walking away. After about 10 minutes, she said "Are you sure it's not you?"
I went off to the bogs to check and sure enough, i'd followed through. After using all the paper, i had not fully cleaned up so i took my undie's off, had a quick clean up with them, lifted the lid on the cistern and dropped them in there.
I went back to find my niece who was just organising a search party. I told her what had happened and that i had sorted it and we could have another drink.
She said "You might have got rid of the shite but you haven't got rid of the smell"
End of jovialities for me.
(Xmas party's in my house in the 60's and 70's were full of stories of my dad and my uncle following through while working away)
Must be hereditry :-)

Leicester City Cup final. Stayed in an hotel after the game with a few mates and got totally mousebottomed. One of the lads about 2 am decides to go for a dump. After 15 mins still no sign of him a few of us go to investigate. We can hear his voice from behind the loo door "It won't open, the doors stuck. " .So using our combined drink sodden brains we think we will smash it in with our shoulders. Without warning him we rush the door. Door flies of its hinges , door hits mate, mate hits cistern, cistern hits bowl, almighty crash, water everywhere. Rush back to room, lights out, undercovers. Hotel staff running round like the Gestapo, checking every room for culprits.
Long story short, passed the bog on the way out in the morning and realised that it opened outwards.

after watching city play newcastle away me and my mate stayed over and went on the piss, was in a bar that was rammed and it took bout 20 mins to get to the toilet and back, so i decided i wasnt waisting my time as i was stood next to a fruity in the corner i decided to piss in the bit where you collect your winnings and filled the fucker up as my mate kept a look out for bouncers haha

Funniest thread ever. In tears laughing. Keep it up.

Quality

Used to drink a lot especially just after my dad died and one night stayed at my ma's after on the lash and realised needed a piss, bathroom was to left and her room to the right, I took stagger to the right and proceeded to piss all over her dressing table, she says that she woke to the sound of 'running water' and shouted at me asking what I was doing, I replied having a piss, she answered you can clean it up and I went into bathroom pulled toilet roll from wall and told her it's your room you clean it'

apart from next day when she told me we never mentioned it again

-- Mon Jun 27, 2011 4:54 pm --

Also went to a Northern Ireland game on minibus and all been on the drink, big lad just out of clink said he needed a piss and driver says can't stop while on the motorway, when we got off motorway everyone piled out and started pissing but the big lad just sat on, when asked why he didn't get off he says already had my piss and had only pissed himself while on route

while stopping for a piss at same spot on way to a Coleraine away game we went down an alley to piss behind some houses and this oul doll opens her back gate and shouts 'yous boys are disgusting' and my mate replies 'could be worse missus' she said 'how' and he says 'I could be having a shite'

What a funny thread - almost 20 minutes of laughter reading through it!

Years ago, probably around early 1990's without checking, I was on a train going to see City at Stoke and for some reason that I can't remember (engineering works, I guess), we had to transfer to a fleet of buses for the last part of the journey. Obviously a load of lads had been drinking on the train and the toilet-less buses were pretty uncomfortable in more ways than one.

The drivers refused to make any stops because they were travelling in a convoy and although I suspect a few cans/bottles were passed round to alleviate the discomfort of those in most distress, these quickly ran out and to make matters worse, we had a couple of British Transport Police coppers on the bus too.

I don't know if anyone remembers, but there were two brothers - twins - who used to go to games, they were pretty much identical, blond-haired lads, probably in their early twenties at the time. One of them was in real distress, rocking back-and-forth, bent over and no way did it look like he would last out. His brother was sitting alongside him, trying to console him and looking really worried on his behalf. Eventually, the lad was almost curled up into a ball and then he just seemed to slump back in his seat.

Another lad sitting nearby finally called out that although he himself was desperate and on the verge of using a bottle (that he had kept concealed!), he could see that the other bloke's need was greater and he offered to hand the bottle over.

But the twin brother replied, quite chirpily, "no thanks mate, you use it, he's gonna be okay". We were all quite surprised as the lad continued to sit slumped in his seat for the remainder of the journey.

When we finally arrived and started to get off, in some haste in most cases, I was astonished to see the two twins disembarking and the one who had needed to go so badly was no longer in need of the bog - he'd pissed himself like you wouldn't believe!!

His jeans were saturated from top to bottom at the back, right from his arse down to his ankles and all across his crotch. he must have pissed a gallon. He seemed dead embarrassed and his brother was trying to shield him but as you can imagine, the piss-taking was relentless.

I wondered just how he'd managed to piss himself like that without it going all over the bus floor?

Anyway, I didn't see them during the game itself nor on the bus back but when we were waiting on the station afterwards, there he was, in his shirt and his pants, socks and trainers - the jeans had been discarded!!

Don't know if he'd watched the game like that but if anyone remembers a game at Stoke with one lad in his pants, that's the reason why!!

after reading all these stories i am so glad i have never needed a dump at a football ground.

touch wood