Back when Tommy Doc was their manager I was working in Jimmy Saville's club when Lou Macari came in. I said "Oi, Lou, why aren't you serving in the chippy".

He wasn't happy.

Anyway, when he left his coat in the locker room I went over, told them I had been told to get it for him and take it to him and took it out the back.

The night before I had had toad in the hole for tea and had awful constipation. I dropped my pants and with al the might I could muster, desposited a log in his coat pocket.

When he came back a few hours later he was fuming, you should have seen his face. He started shouting 'Someone has had a shit in my coat pocket. I've been had over again by those damn City fans'.

Anyway, I wasn't there to witness this as the effort I had to muster to overcome the constipation was so much that I had ruptured my anal passage. I got a mate to take the coat back to the cloak room but I was writhing in agony on the floor and an ambulance had to be called. Two hours later I was having life saving surgery. Imagine my surprise when I woke up the following day and two coppers were waiting to arrest me. They had put two and two together and had me bang to rights for shitting in a coat.

I got five years, served three, lost my job and family and haven't seen any of my children in 30 years. Oh, and I have a plastic bag attached to my waist at all times now.

Still, got one over on that Rag Macari though, eh.

This is either a very deranged story or complete bullshit.