Apparently 4 billion people will be watching the Olympics opening ceremony, well not me ! If I wanted to look at a bunch of twats who haven't worked for the last four years wandering around in tracksuits I'd go into Liverpool.

-- Sat Apr 28, 2012 12:55 pm --

A woman has just come up to me holding an unlit fag. She said, "Have you got a light cock?"
I replied, "Well it floats in the bath!"

"they paid money to look like that ?!!!" ;)

Man Utd dressing room b4 KO on Monday. 'Right lads we should've had this title wrapped up but we've been sloppy. We can't let these blue ***** snatch it now because they'll never let us live it down. They stung us 6-1 last time. I don't care what you do punch, elbow, push, pull, kick or dive get the fuck out there & get it done!' At this point Ferguson steps in 'Cheers ref I'll take it from here!'

3 united fans walk into a bar, a cockney, a glory hunter and an inbred. Thats just the first one.

Boy says to his mum. "i've got the biggest cock at nursery is it because i'm special?" she replies "no it's cos you're 28 and a fuckin retard now be a good boy, sit still and dont get spaghetti hoops down your man utd shirt.

Is it true that Bonnie Prince Charlie was name after 3 sheep dogs ??

My mates new girlfriend is an Escapologist. He says she's great in the sack.

Just got myself a 6ft 5 girlfriend. We haven't had sex yet but I'm looking forward to our 1st time. Apparently, she has a very small fanny cos evrywhere we go, I hear men say 'Here comes that gorgeous bird with the little ****'.




Dr to Lady Patient: Your heart, lungs, pulse & BP are ok. Now let me see that little thing which gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble.
Lady swings into action, removes her panties and spreads her legs....
Dr: No! No! Put your clothes back on... just show me your tongue!...


A guy is watching the TV and suddenly yells,
"Don't enter that church, you daft ****!!''

His wife asks him, ''What are you watching?''

"Our wedding video"

Just to mix it up a bit from the last 3 repeated jokes:

A man who took Easyjet to court after they had mislaid his luggage has lost his case.