Joke thread

[Scottyboi]

Guy goes into a nightclub.

Approaches a random girl and asks her

"Scuse me. Can I smell your pussy?"

Outraged she replies "No you can not!"

"My mistake" says he "Must be your feet, then."



Well it made me laugh.

No word of a lie I did that as a chat up line in a competition on holiday to a 60 year old glaswegian woman. She was fuming hahaha

 

[Deepest Blue]

No word of a lie I did that as a chat up line in a competition on holiday to a 60 year old glaswegian woman. She was fuming hahaha

You smooth rascal, you.

 

[Scottyboi]

You smooth rascal, you.

The entertainment staff told me off and said it's a family show haha.

 

[jimharri]

WTF is an acronym?

 

[Dicko69]

What do you call a fat psychic?


A four chin teller

 

[Tuearts right boot]

Yorkshire has finally got it's own social media platform....T' Witter

 

[Tuearts right boot]

You sir, are an aerosol

Reminds of the Polish guy in Boots buying a deodorant...asks at the counter and the assistant asks..." Ball or Aerosol "
" Neither, it is for my arm pits...."

 

[BackofJeanette]

@Deepest Blue

Bloody hell Phil.....I think I read that in the Sparky years ago!


Three old spinster sisters, Kitty, Sissy and Fanny, never had boyfriends in their lives due to the fact they all had big feet. Kitty and Sissy wore a 12 but Fanny wore size 16.
They finally decided to get over their embarrassment and have a night out in town.
However on the last minute Fanny didn't want to go, so Kitty and Sissy went anyway.
After a few drinks they finally pulled a couple of guys.
One of the lads looked down and said " bloody hell girls, haven't you got big feet!"
To which Sissy and Kitty replied together,
" Ha! If you think our feet are big you should see the size of our Fannies!"

Thank you and goodnight!

 

[Deepest Blue]

@Deepest Blue

Bloody hell Phil.....I think I read that in the Sparky years ago!



!

You never read the Sparky.
For a perv like you it had to be Cor!

 

[Mozzer]

Wizzer and Chips was my comic of choice.

 

[BackofJeanette]

You never read the Sparky.
For a perv like you it had to be Cor!

Reveille mate!

 

[Uwe Already]

If we’re talking comic jokes...

This guy had lost an eye, as he was allergic to glass he had a replacement made of pine.

After a long recovery he decided he should get out and meet new people, so he went to a disco at the hospital.

As the night progressed, he saw a pretty young girl with a prosthetic leg and thought he would ask her to dance.

He wandered over and shyly asked if she’d like the next dance with him, to which she replied “oh wouldn’t I!”

To which he shouted “if that’s your attitude, you can fuck off peg-leg!”

I thank you...

 

[Sir peace frog]

asylum seekers ,there was one near my house yesterday eating grass by the side of the road

i said to him don't eat that shit come to my house,he said he had a wife and 4 kids could they come,i had to tell him to fuck off as its only a small lawn

 

[dronefromsector7G]

I got attacked by four blokes the other night. I managed to knock one out.

Probably not the best time to have a wank, but i thought I might not get another chance.












I wouldn’t say I was an unpopular child, but I had an imaginary acquaintance.

 

[Barcon]

I got attacked by four blokes the other night. I managed to knock one out.

Probably not the best time to have a wank, but i thought I might not get another chance.

Lucky you didn't get grape'd.

 

[Ancient Citizen]

A young lady teacher takes her class of infant schoolboys to a day at the races.
A few of the boys say they need to go to the toilet, but there isn't a man around, so she nips into
the gents, with the boys and starts lifting each one up to the urinals.
On lifting the third one up she looks down, is visibly shocked and says,
'My my, your a big boy, have you just joined the class?'
'No love, my name's Frankie and I'm riding Blue Thunder in the 2.30.'

 

[chris63]

Bloke walks into the butchers with a bucket. He says to the butcher a pound a fillet. Butcher says, a pound you don't.

 

[Indaparkside]

Bloke walks into the butchers with a bucket. He says to the butcher a pound a fillet. Butcher says, a pound you don't.

Same bloke walks in he says pound of bacon please butcher says lean so he bends over pound of bacon please

 

[dobingsdobber]

“But, Holmes, what kind of rock could be formed by deposition and consolidation of mineral and organic material and from the precipitation of minerals from a solution?”

“Sedimentary, my dear Watson. Sedimentary”


Well; it's change from the old "yellow door" version, innit?

Watson doing crossword; Holmes, what's a Mediterranean citrus-bearing tree?
Holmes; A lemon tree my dear Watson

 

[chris63]