My quick guide to election night (shamelessly stolen from elsewhere). Stay up to 11.00 when Sunderland declares (they make a point of being first) and check the result:
- If the Labour majority is more than 15,000 go to bed and start making plans to either emigrate, move your money abroad or lock your finances down for possible redundancy with two years.
- If the Labour majority is 12,000 to 15,000, go to bed, expect another hung parliament - and despair.
- If the Labour majority is 9,000 to 12,000, cross fingers, and hope Boris manages just enough seats.
- If the Labour majority is 6,000 to 9,000, relax, go to bed, and look forward to the following morning.
- If the Labour majority is under 6,000, stay up and watch the turkey shoot.
- If Labour lose the seat, stay up to see which leading Labour politician is the first to defy Momentum and call on Corbyn to resign.