Examples of stupidity.

[andyhinch]

By the time I was done with him, everything was inverted, inside out and upside down

Oh the thought ;-)

 

[5 Hit Gibbon]

Comparing Prince Phillip to Rose West.

I often get those two mixed up.

The Queen looked at me like I was mental when I asked her about laying a patio for me. We both laughed about it later though, when we realised I had spoken to the wrong person's partner & it was Fred I was after!

 

[lafitz2008]

Was watching the news once with an ex girlfriend. It was around the time they'd found meteorite that was thought to be evidence of life on Mars
They'd superimposed the newsreader onto a background of the planet and she said 'oh my god, is he on Mars?!'

 

[metalblue]

Mate took his lass to watch Titanic. As they left the cinema she says to him “I really thought it was going to miss the iceberg”

Was at a hotel in NYC with a mate and his lass (and Mrs MB, separate rooms, you kinky fuckers) and my mates lass comes back with her cereal and asks “I’ve got 2% milk. What’s the rest made from?”

Mrs MB called me at work saying she had a puncture in the car but it was only flat at the bottom

 

[JASR]

Mate took his lass to watch Titanic. As they left the cinema she says to him “I really thought it was going to miss the iceberg”

Was at a hotel in NYC with a mate and his lass (and Mrs MB, separate rooms, you kinky fuckers) and my mates lass comes back with her cereal and asks “I’ve got 2% milk. What’s the rest made from?”

Mrs MB called me at work saying she had a puncture in the car but it was only flat at the bottom

The flat tyre! Awesome

 

[creditunionhero]

I had a company car that needed a new windscreen due to it having a large split in the glass. I told a female co worker that I was having a prescription windscreen fitted as that would mean I would no longer need to wear glasses to drive the car.

A few days later she laughed and said, what will you do when you need to change your prescription?

 

[Magicpole]

My ex-mother in law was as thick as shit.

One time, when we were living in New Jersey, she was over visiting and said she wanted to go and pick our eldest kid up from Kindergarten. We told her that the school wouldn’t let her do that, as they didn’t have any record of her and she didn’t have any ID.
Later that day she was sat at the kitchen table with a felt tip. We asked her what she was doing. “I’m making an ID” she said and held up piece of paper with “I am Ben’s Grandma” written on it.

I wrote, Security, on a circular card and robbed a Post Office once. She wasn't that daft.

Although I did get caught as I spelled it wrong. Yes, put a e instead of an i at the end. School boy error, literally.

 

[Magicpole]

A bloke I knew was worried about the drug problem. He said...
You don't understand there is a drug triangle between Birmingham, Leeds, Bradford and Manchester.

What more proof does anyone need that drugs ruin minds?

 

[Magicpole]

The judicial system in Victoria

Good shout.

 

[Magicpole]

I used to share a house with a mate in Manchester 18 months or so before I moved away. When we weren't working, we smoked quite a bit of pot and would watch anything that involved good looking women - Thursday night was takeaway, Friends and Ally McBeal night for example.

We were watching MTV during the glorious autumn of 1999. Jennifer Lopez, Britney Spears, Christine Aguilera, Shania Twain, TLC and others were all in the charts at that time. Shakira came on singing "Whenever, wherever". We'd been silent for quite a period of time and Leon broke the silence to casually say "She can't half dance for a girl with a wooden leg."

He had no reason to say this and I had no reason to question it. I moved away and was working stupid hours for the best part of a year and living in a hotel. I met my missus, had kids and life moved on.

At some point in my early days on here, there was a "Sexiest Women in Music" thread. A poster nominated Shakira. I replied basically saying "Good on you for looking past her disability."

Cue a shedload of replies asking me what the fuck I was on about. I explained that she had a wooden leg, my mate told me. Off Topic found it highly amusing as did Leon when I text him out of the blue to ask him why the fuck he'd told me that over 11 years earlier.

What did he say? You can't just leave us hanging.

 

[Ban-jani]

Mate took his lass to watch Titanic. As they left the cinema she says to him “I really thought it was going to miss the iceberg”

To be fair, I let the Mrs watch it last weekend for Valentine’s Day, it’s not a romantic, it’s a bleeding horror film!

Anyway, it really does look like it’s going to miss in the film, shame really.

 

[shootmeifipost10k]

On a lads holiday to crete when in my early 20s, I was sat by the pool with a mate looking over at these two attractive bikini clad blondes who were giving us flirting glances. Earlier that day we had seen a coach load of what looked like swedish -scandinavian families arrive and thought we are in here with a couple of swedish stunners.
So off we stroll over and try introduce ourselves. Me in my best English . Me Gary from England hi and all that, we got back much giggling, this went on for a few minutes with my mate and me thinking we wern't getting anywhere as no replies apart from smiles were coming back and they obviously couldnt understand a word I was saying. In a last desperate attempt I tried explaining in a all too long drawn out slow Enlglish how me and my mate would like to take these two lovely girls out for a drink later, to which after some more giggling one replied OK. After a pause my mate asked in typical slow English. You from Sweden. In a broad yorkshire accent came back no we're from Leeds.

 

[Magicpole]

More embarrassing than stupid.
I was on a flight to Los Angeles. I didn't have much conversation with the guy next to me as he spoke little English and even that came with a very strong Spanish accent. My linguistic skill stalls at "Dos Cervezas por favor".
He did enquire my business in LA, "I explained I was a tour guide and meeting an incoming flight from Auckland".
He informed me he was an environmental scientist, bound for Guatemala and added, what I thought was "I'm a tit man". A little surprised at this confession, I replied "I generally look at the legs first then the face". He had a puzzled look, then, reached into his case a pulled out a map and said, "Here I am working", pointing to Lake Amatitlan.

No it was both. Who hasn't heard of Lake Atitlan? Basic primary school geography that round our way. I bet you didnt know where to look. :)

 

[Cellarite]

What did he say? You can't just leave us hanging.

He said “Fuck knows why. I was stoned at the time.”

 

[shootmeifipost10k]

On election night some year ago I was up late with an Ex watching the early counts coming in.
The election show then showed a repeat from earlier in the day with the reporter saying they were hoping to be one of the first to delcare a winner.
The Ex said "look it's still light there ". Instantly I replied yeah haven't you heard a few years ago they put massive flourscent tubes all around the town so its light all the time and it never gets dark there.
She didn't even question it and said. " I bet they save loads on electricty"
Which when thinking about it is totally nuts on both fronts.

 

[metalblue]

On a lads holiday to crete when in my early 20s, I was sat by the pool with a mate looking over at these two attractive bikini clad blondes who were giving us flirting glances. Earlier that day we had seen a coach load of what looked like swedish -scandinavian families arrive and thought we are in here with a couple of swedish stunners.
So off we stroll over and try introduce ourselves. Me in my best English . Me Gary from England hi and all that, we got back much giggling, this went on for a few minutes with my mate and me thinking we wern't getting anywhere as no replies apart from smiles were coming back and they obviously couldnt understand a word I was saying. In a last desperate attempt I tried explaining in a all too long drawn out slow Enlglish how me and my mate would like to take these two lovely girls out for a drink later, to which after some more giggling one replied OK. After a pause my mate asked in typical slow English. You from Sweden. In a broad yorkshire accent came back no we're from Leeds.

You were right to talk slow then mate. Anyroads bollocks to all that .... how did the date go? You can’t leave us hanging like that you know

 

[Chippy_boy]

Can I just chip in by saying that using a vacuum cleaner to get the remaining petrol out of a carburettor I was servicing, was probably not the brightest idea I ever had. Electric motor, sparks, airflow, petrol and safety not being words that sit well in a sentence together.

 

[Tuearts right boot]

I used to share a house with a mate in Manchester 18 months or so before I moved away. When we weren't working, we smoked quite a bit of pot and would watch anything that involved good looking women - Thursday night was takeaway, Friends and Ally McBeal night for example.

We were watching MTV during the glorious autumn of 1999. Jennifer Lopez, Britney Spears, Christine Aguilera, Shania Twain, TLC and others were all in the charts at that time. Shakira came on singing "Whenever, wherever". We'd been silent for quite a period of time and Leon broke the silence to casually say "She can't half dance for a girl with a wooden leg."

He had no reason to say this and I had no reason to question it. I moved away and was working stupid hours for the best part of a year and living in a hotel. I met my missus, had kids and life moved on.

At some point in my early days on here, there was a "Sexiest Women in Music" thread. A poster nominated Shakira. I replied basically saying "Good on you for looking past her disability."

Cue a shedload of replies asking me what the fuck I was on about. I explained that she had a wooden leg, my mate told me. Off Topic found it highly amusing as did Leon when I text him out of the blue to ask him why the fuck he'd told me that over 11 years earlier.

Years ago when Culture Club first came on the screen, TOTP i think, we were in the pub as you do when my mate piped up that he thought the lead singer was fit....we sort of looked around at the rest of us to figure out if it was a wind up.....nope....we got 3 weeks out of that and he was devastated and highly embarrased when we finally told him. The clue was in the question Andy, BOY GEORGE but he tried to explain he thought he/she was a lesbian. Fair point but no cigar.

 

[Cellarite]

Years ago when Culture Club first came on the screen, TOTP i think, we were in the pub as you do when my mate piped up that he thought the lead singer was fit....we sort of looked around at the rest of us to figure out if it was a wind up.....nope....we got 3 weeks out of that and he was devastated and highly embarrased when we finally told him. The clue was in the question Andy, BOY GEORGE but he tried to explain he thought he/she was a lesbian. Fair point but no cigar.

A lad in our high school had a poster of Rupaul under his desk for about two years for similar reasons.

 

[dronefromsector7G]

I had a company car that needed a new windscreen due to it having a large split in the glass. I told a female co worker that I was having a prescription windscreen fitted as that would mean I would no longer need to wear glasses to drive the car.

A few days later she laughed and said, what will you do when you need to change your prescription?

I told my daughter about prescription windscreens last night and she said “really?”. I said yes so she told the missus who raised her eyes and said “they’ll be expensive”.

Fucking hell