The replies he's getting on Twitter are off the chart.
Perez:
"So we were all in the room, about to sign the contract which has all the money, when someone did a fart sound on their phone. In the commotion, Messi, disguised as Ronaldo, sneaked into the room undetected. He asked if he could see the pens they were going to use to sign. Then Messi stole the pens! He stole all 13 Champions League Winner pens Perez had proved, and replaced them with fake Super League trophies.
When the other clubs tried to sign their contracts with these fake trophies, the signatures couldn't be seen. People started to get scared. Soriano had a panic attack and said he had to leave. Laporta then tricked everyone into accusing Perez of being a ghost.
Meanwhile, Putin bussed in 100 FSB agents to act like Barca fans pretending to be Chelsea fans. This tricked Boris Johnson into Brexit, preventing the export of any more pens to Spain.
And then John Henry said Bill Gates had hacked his computer - so they couldn't just order some some more pens online. The other Americans said the same thing had happened to all of them at the same time which is normal, and now they had to go.
But Perez is no fool. He is used to people being scared of him. When everyone had gone, Agnelli reminded him - Perez had his own computer! And the other super league members had all borrowed it when they signed up in the first place. What lies had they been telling? He checked, and noticed all the different email accounts all had the same name, some coincidence - '
MESSILOVER04@HOTMAIL.COM.'
Now he, Perez, has their emails. If they want them back, they have to give back his Champions League pens, and two Champions Leagues. And more. Promise not to steal any more pens, or make rude noises. And pay.. 100m. Each. Maybe more. He remembers it from the contracts they were going to sign. If they don't pay - he throws their emails away forever, and.. yeah... he won't buy their best players! And what's more - they can't join his next superleague!
Perez knows, because Laporta told him how clever he was. And Agnelli, who is a very honest man, like all Italians, said Perez was so clever, he - Agnelli - would make Perez godfather of his daughter 'Madame Uefina' - if he had one. This is the respect Perez understands. It was this way when he sold Robinho to the Sheiks, and signed Kaka from AC Milan under the nose of the Sheiks. It was this way during the golden era of El Classico, despite the Catalon scum being animals, they respected him, and they respected Mourinho, and so no-one got their eye put out."