Joke thread

Three old Grandmas were sitting on a bench outside the nursing home when an old Grandpa walked by.

One of the old Grandmas yelled out, 'Hey, we bet we can tell exactly how old you are!'

The old man said, 'There is no way you can guess my age!’

One of the Grandmas said, 'Sure we can! Just drop your pants and undershorts and we can tell your exact age.'

Embarrassed, but anxious to prove they couldn't do it, he dropped his drawers.

The Grandmas asked him to first turn around a couple of times and then jump up and down several times.

Determined to prove them wrong, he did it.

Then they all said in unison, 'You're 87-years-old!'

Standing with his pants down around his ankles, the old gent asked, 'How in the world did you guess my age?'

They replied....

'We were at your birthday party yesterday.'
 
A bloke walks into a pub with a duck under his arm. He pulls out a tin box, puts the duck on it and the duck begins to dance. This is a big hit all evening and the landlord asks him how much he wants for the duck (since it’s bringing in so much custom). The bloke walks out with £50 in his pocket.

The next evening the landlord puts the duck on the box, but the duck won’t dance.

A couple of hours later the bloke comes in and the landlord is pretty pissed off with him. The bloke offers to see what’s wrong and opens the box. “There’s your problem - you let the candle go out.”
 
Lavinda Past said:
As his wife sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what?
You have been with me all through the bad times.
When I got fired, you were there to support me.
When my business failed, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side.
When we lost the house, you stayed right here.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side...

You know what Martha?"

"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

"I'm beginning to think you're bad luck."
Click to expand...
When I originally heard that joke in the 1980s, the punchline was "you've always been a fucking jinx"
 
A preacher was delivering a temperance sermon one hot Sunday afternoon.
With great expression, he said,
"If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."

With greater conviction, he banged his fist on the pulpit;
"And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."

Finally, he said,
"And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."
Sensing he delivered a powerful sermon, he whipped his brow and sat down.

The choirmaster, with shock on his face, looked over the congregation, stood very cautiously, and announced with a wry smile,

"For our closing song, let us sing Hymn number 365..
"Shall We Gather at the River?"
 
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