Joke thread

[Lavinda Past]

Just went into Tesco and saw a sign saying "Turkey £29".

That's £300 less than Easyjet.

 

[Maintainin]

 

[Maintainin]

 

[Maintainin]

 

[Deleted member 95930]

"Particles party, observer kills vibe." (my chatgbt found that quote, for my post to insta :)) )

 

[Bri1975]

 

[noblelord]

 

[Lavinda Past]

Everton v Liverpool postponed.

Penalty to Liverpool as Mo Salah's dustbin gets blown over by Everton defender Darragh.

VAR check complete.

Three points awarded to Liverpool.

 

[Grassland Blue]

I was caught taking a leak in the deep end of my local swimming pool yesterday.
The lifeguard blew his whistle so loud I nearly fell in!

 

[Lavinda Past]

I jumped out of my skin this morning when I heard a rattle at the door.

Imagine my surprise when I realised it was Sir Simon Rattle the famous conductor.

 

[balotellishaircut]

I’m sure there’s a large bouncy castle inside our local mosque. Every time I walk past there is hundreds of shoes outside.

 

[J.G.Blue.]

I jumped out of my skin this morning when I heard a rattle at the door.

Imagine my surprise when I realised it was Sir Simon Rattle the famous conductor.

I have no Symphony for you at all, you should have told him that was no way to conduct himself.

 

[balotellishaircut]

My mate scoffed when a gypsy fortune teller told him a large amount of cash was heading his way.

Then he was run over by a Securicor Van.

 

[Lavinda Past]

I've just been out to buy two dozen bottles of orangeade to distribute before everyone gets into work on Monday.

I'm this year's secret fanta

 

[Lavinda Past]

"Your dad needs to go back home," said the husband to his wife.

"He's been here for three months now, and I can't handle him being around anymore."

"He's taken over the best seat beside the fireplace, drinks our coffee, eats our food, takes command of what we watch on TV, and smokes inside whenever he wants. And whenever I hint that it's time for him to go, he just sinks deeper into the recliner, and pretends he can't hear."

"I've endured this for three months now, and I'm at breaking point. He has to leave."

His wife looks shocked. "What do you mean `my dad'?" she exclaims. "I thought he was yours!"

 

[Maintainin]

 

[Lavinda Past]

I went to the library and asked if they had any books on turtles.

The librarian asked, “Hardback?”

I replied, “Yes. And little heads.”

 

[Lavinda Past]

So my friend said to me..

... "I'm looking for some carol singers next week as we're low on numbers.

So far it's only Dean, Dawn, Mary, Lee and I..."

 

[Xhavenjoe]

I went to the library and asked if they had any books on turtles.

The librarian asked, “Hardback?”

I replied, “Yes. And little heads.”

Was the librarians name Michelle?

 

[NZBlue]

So my friend said to me..

... "I'm looking for some carol singers next week as we're low on numbers.

So far it's only Dean, Dawn, Mary, Lee and I..."

???