The great movie critic Roger Ebert once wrote a review of the movie “North” which I am going to paraphrase.
I hated this record. Hated hated hated hated hated hated hated it.
I would like to be charitable. Our dear friend
@southamptonblue posted the new record I have loved the most on this thread — Bad\\Dreems “Dogs At Bay” (10/10) — and one I liked a lot — the DBTs “Southern Rock Opera” (9/10). He’s already in my thread Hall of Fame. He’s allowed a misstep or three.
But he’s now bookended his other brilliant picks with the record I — hands down — have disliked the most since this thread’s founding.
What did I hate?
I hated the tempos. Lugubrious is a word I enjoy. These tempos are lugubrious.
I hated the song lengths. The mean is over five minutes.
I hated that there were no melodies.
I hated that there were no hooks.
In fact, I hated that there in fact there were actually no songs, just sounds, and resting points when the sounds stopped.
I hated that the music cannot be categorized because the artist (and by the way, this is not a group, it’s one person) is trying specifically and self-consciously to create something uncategorizeable. I figure he/she/it/them will go whatever direction proves most popular. That is not art — it’s manipulation.
I hated the auto tune. If you can’t sing, stop trying.
I hated the lyrics. Jesus Christ on a fucking cracker, did I hate the lyrics. Blood, bones, wounds, God. They say nothing. They mean nothing. They evoke no feelings other than revulsion. The “love ballads” (I use both words loosely) are so, so, so bad as to be near comedic. “Vessel” — you’re wearing a fucking MASK. How is anyone supposed to take anything you “feel” seriously? I don’t, trust me. It’s like every “relationship” you’ve had took place in a horror film set in a wind tunnel.
Oh. I also hate the fact that the artist has a name, sort of, and the rest of the band has numbers. And fucking ROMAN NUMERALS at that. There has never been any band that employed Roman numerals in any context that wasn’t pompous as fuck. When you name BAND MEMBERS after them, you have reached the true PINNACLE of pop-posity.
I hate the fact that this asswipe ripped off the incognito schtick of my beloved Residents, who created incredibly weird but sometimes funny and even moving music.
I hate the fact that this is popular. I read about the awards and reviews it’s won with incredulity. It’s as if the entire popular music press and listening public in the UK was being held at machete-point.
I hate the fact that it is fucking inevitable that some day this **** will unmask him/her/them/itself, and there will be a huge top-of-headline to-do. I hate how forced and falsified that drama will be. “Vessel” let me tell you something: you are not fucking Banksy. You aren’t revolutionary, sardonic, anarchic, funny, creative or interesting. Perhaps you wear the mask for fear of being discovered in case the world wakes and realiz(s)es your “music” is an absolute tower of steaming shite.
In short, this record is the Donald Trump of music. It has no redeeming qualities. None. It’s pure cynicism and greed and pomposity and stupidity. It wouldn’t surprise me if Eric or Don Jr. was behind it. Or maybe Kimberley Guilfoyle, only none of them are British.
The only reason that this isn’t a 1/10 is that Burt Reynolds once made a record, and Yoko Ono is still alive and could still make something worse than this. Also DYWTYLM is okay.
2/10, and — for one of the few times I am in lockstep with and shall quote
@BimboBob — “that’s generous.”