Childhood discipline

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roy.or.r

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Today I was talking to my mum and for some reason, I got really upset at her because my childhood memories of her not giving me choices to do what I wanted resurfaced. I wanted to do something else for my career but was forced into my current career which I never wanted. She also used to beat me a lot when I would forget study lessons or homework as a kid.

I wonder how common this is in the UK? I sometimes feel like she shouldn’t have given me all those beatings but my parents did spend on my education so maybe I am wrong to be holding this grudge even after 30 years.
 
roy.or.r said:
Today I was talking to my mum and for some reason, I got really upset at her because my childhood memories of her not giving me choices to do what I wanted resurfaced. I wanted to do something else for my career but was forced into my current career which I never wanted. She also used to beat me a lot when I would forget study lessons or homework as a kid.

I wonder how common this is in the UK? I sometimes feel like she shouldn’t have given me all those beatings but my parents did spend on my education so maybe I am wrong to be holding this grudge even after 30 years.
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Mate, you have to put these experiences behind you. I'm sure your parents acted in your best interests when you were young. Love them and appreciate them while they are still here. Treat those you have authority over with the respect you would have wanted when you were younger. Try to create a legacy of love and kindness for people to remember you by.
 
roy.or.r said:
Today I was talking to my mum and for some reason, I got really upset at her because my childhood memories of her not giving me choices to do what I wanted resurfaced. I wanted to do something else for my career but was forced into my current career which I never wanted. She also used to beat me a lot when I would forget study lessons or homework as a kid.

I wonder how common this is in the UK? I sometimes feel like she shouldn’t have given me all those beatings but my parents did spend on my education so maybe I am wrong to be holding this grudge even after 30 years.
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Been there mate, you're not alone.

My situation pretty much mirrors yours, I wasn't even allowed to choose the subjects that I took exams in at school (we call the "options" over here), only difference being the physical stuff, mine was emotional manipulation, which still goes on to this day.

I can't help and I have no advice but if you can try to lead the rest of your life by following your decisions rather than theirs it'd be a little victory for you.

Unlike some other posters I won't let your mum off the hook by saying she was only thinking of you, just try your best not to ever treat anybody the way she treated you and that's another victory for you.
 
117 M34 said:
What career did you want and what do you actually do?
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it's not just about my career choice. It's that I was not allowed to do anything. I was not allowed to hang out with friends or go anywhere myself. She used to hit my knuckles with wooden scales or grab my hair and punch if I ever made mistakes. I don't know why but I remember this very vividly.
 
roy.or.r said:
it's not just about my career choice. It's that I was not allowed to do anything. I was not allowed to hang out with friends or go anywhere myself. She used to hit my knuckles with wooden scales or grab my hair and punch if I ever made mistakes. I don't know why but I remember this very vividly.
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You were abused and treated like you weren’t your own person. The fact they paid for your education means fuck all. It’s right to be angry.
 
There are plenty of parents who support their kids' education without kicking the shit out of them. Now that I have a young child myself I have even less respect for parents who act that way.
 
Sounds like you were abused by your mother, a lot of kids used to get a slap and the occasional belt for being out of order. Where was your Dad in all this.
 
Unfortunately in the older generation parents used to bring up their kids along the same lines they experienced themselves. However, it was usually left to the father to administer corporal punishment (as the schools did when necessary). Now even smacking is outlawed in Scotland and frowned on elsewhere. However, your mother does seem a real piece of work.
 
They fuck you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.

But they were fucked up in their turn
By fools in old-style hats and coats,
Who half the time were soppy-stern
And half at one another’s throats.

Man hands on misery to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,
And don’t have any kids yourself.


Philip Larkin
This be the verse.


Its called abuse mate. I'm really sorry you have experienced it.
 
How do you instill a sense of discipline in children who are not old enough to understand? I am 75 now and it was common then to smack children when they misbehaved - parents didn't have to do it often because just the threat was often enough. We did the same with our children. Both my brother and sisters don't appear to be mentally damaged because of it and the same for our children. Our children have gone down the route of non smacking and our grandchildren have been a real pain to them. So how do you go down the non smacking route and instill good behaviour? Incidentally, all our grandchildren are wonderfully behaved at school, with other people etc.

Before anyone jumps in - yes I know some parents overdid/do the smacking bit.
 
roy.or.r said:
it's not just about my career choice. It's that I was not allowed to do anything. I was not allowed to hang out with friends or go anywhere myself. She used to hit my knuckles with wooden scales or grab my hair and punch if I ever made mistakes. I don't know why but I remember this very vividly.
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You were abused mate

If its still haunting you, therapy, then fuck her off and live your life as you see fit.
 
Fred_Quimby said:
How do you instill a sense of discipline in children who are not old enough to understand? I am 75 now and it was common then to smack children when they misbehaved - parents didn't have to do it often because just the threat was often enough. We did the same with our children. Both my brother and sisters don't appear to be mentally damaged because of it and the same for our children. Our children have gone down the route of non smacking and our grandchildren have been a real pain to them. So how do you go down the non smacking route and instill good behaviour? Incidentally, all our grandchildren are wonderfully behaved at school, with other people etc.

Before anyone jumps in - yes I know some parents overdid/do the smacking bit.
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Lots of studies have shown smacking doesn’t work long-term. There are other ways to discipline a child.
 
You were abused mate it's not your fault and it sounds like a bit of counseling might do you some good, getting a bit of a thick ear when you have done something was par for the course but yours sounds different.

First things first and you mustn't blame yourself or excuse the abuser.
 
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