Joke thread

[Zubrman]

A chap came home from the pub drunk and his Mrs gave him an ultimatum; if he were to come home drunk once more, she would leave him.

The next day he was back in the pub and was so drunk that he threw up all down the front of his jacket.

He told the barman how much trouble he now would be in if he went home like that. The barman gave him some advice.

"Tell your wife that it was someone else who threw up on you. Put a twenty pound note in your inside pocket now, and show her it when you get home. Tell her that the guy who vomited on you gave you the money for dry cleaning."

He did that and set off for home. When he got there his wife was appalled at the state he was in and was just about to start on him when he held up his hand.

"It's not what you think, Love. I'm not drunk. Some bloke did this on my jacket and he gave me twenty quid for the dry cleaning."

He pulled out the cash to show her.

"Why have you got two twenty pound notes then?" she asked him.

"The other twenty quid was from the guy who shat in my trousers."

 

[Blue Mist]

A chap came home from the pub drunk and his Mrs gave him an ultimatum; if he were to come home drunk once more, she would leave him.

The next day he was back in the pub and was so drunk that he threw up all down the front of his jacket.

He told the barman how much trouble he now would be in if he went home like that. The barman gave him some advice.

"Tell your wife that it was someone else who threw up on you. Put a twenty pound note in your inside pocket now, and show her it when you get home. Tell her that the guy who vomited on you gave you the money for dry cleaning."

He did that and set off for home. When he got there his wife was appalled at the state he was in and was just about to start on him when he held up his hand.

"It's not what you think, Love. I'm not drunk. Some bloke did this on my jacket and he gave me twenty quid for the dry cleaning."

He pulled out the cash to show her.

"Why have you got two twenty pound notes then?" she asked him.

"The other twenty quid was from the guy who shat in my trousers."

Brilliant, would never have guessed that punch line.

 

[tamworthblue]

Now that is funny, very funn.

me too, i chuckled although I shoudn't have

 

[Barcon]

Nope.


Nope.


Sorry but nope.


What are the Mexicans paying for and why?

Don't fucking get him back here.

 

[dronefromsector7G]

Last night I replaced the bed with a trampoline.

The missus hit the roof.

 

[AVCol]

Horse is in the pub having a few when spots a donkey in the corner so he nips over to have a natter, donkey asks "what did you do for a living" horse says " I ran on the flat in the summer and over the jumps in the winter", Donkey says "I worked with the kids on blackpool beach" , then he asks "did you win anything" horse says "yeah on the flat I won the Oaks, St. Leger and the Derby and over the jumps I won the Grand National and the Gold Cup”, they arrange to meet at the donkey's house a week later, donkey thinks, "I need to impress this c*** he's done everything" , so he buys a big picture of a zebra and hangs it above the fireplace, the horse arrives and says "lovely place you have here and who's that in the picture on the wall", donkey replies " thats me when I played for Juventus !

 

[manclad]

Horse is in the pub having a few when spots a donkey in the corner so he nips over to have a natter, donkey asks "what did you do for a living" horse says " I ran on the flat in the summer and over the jumps in the winter", Donkey says "I worked with the kids on blackpool beach" , then he asks "did you win anything" horse says "yeah on the flat I won the Oaks, St. Leger and the Derby and over the jumps I won the Grand National and the Gold Cup”, they arrange to meet at the donkey's house a week later, donkey thinks, "I need to impress this c*** he's done everything" , so he buys a big picture of a zebra and hangs it above the fireplace, the horse arrives and says "lovely place you have here and who's that in the picture on the wall", donkey replies " thats me when I played for Juventus !

That is the best joke that has been posted on Bluemoon for a long time. Sat here pmsl.

 

[Indaparkside]

A man walks past an ice cream shop that advertises every flavour ice cream In the world
Bullshit thinks the man and walks in
Okay give me vagina flavour ice-cream please
No problems sir replied the assistant giving the man three scopes of ice cream in a cone
That doesn't taste like vagina ice cream it tastes like shit says the man grimacing
The assistant says of course it does try taking shorter licks

 

[Fred_Quimby]

Bumper sticker in New Zealand,

‘I’m not a complete idiot, I’m missing a few pieces’

 

[TCIB]

Bumper sticker in New Zealand,

‘I’m not a complete idiot, I’m missing a few pieces’

Not a great thing to see on the back of your doctors car i agree.