Joke thread

[Blue Mist]

A bloke is sat there when his wife says 'Do I look fat in this dress'

 

[smeeagain]

Englishman: "That your dog?"
Welshman: "Aye"
Englishman: "Mind if I speak to him?'
Welshman: "Dog don't talk.”
Englishman: Hey dog, how's it going?"
Dog: "Doing all right."
Welshman: (look of shock)
Englishman: Is this your owner?" (Pointing at the Welshman)
Dog: "Yep."
Englishman: How's he treating you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the park once a week to play."
Welshman: (Look of total disbelief!)
Englishman: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Welshman: "Horse don't talk.”
Englishman: "Hey horse how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool."
Welshman: (Extreme look of shock!)
Englishman: "Is this your owner?" (Pointing to the Welshman)
Horse: "Yep."
Englishman: "How's he treating you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking, he rides me, brushes me down often and keeps me in a nice stable to protect me from the weather."
Welshman: (Look of total amazement!)
Englishman: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?
Welshman: "That sheep's a fucking liar!!”

not sure ,but this joke might be racist?

 

[Man_City_Loyal]

not sure ,but this joke might be racist?

No its not.

 

[Sid C]

not sure ,but this joke might be racist?

Nah. Sheep are renowned liars.

 

[BackofJeanette]

not sure ,but this joke might be racist?

Therefore I apologise to our English friends.

;-)

 

[BlueMoonRisin’]

Mick spotted Paddy walking down a country lane one Sunday morning with a bag on one shoulder, and an air rifle on the other.

Mick: "If I guess how many rabbits you've got in your bag Paddy can I have one mate"?

Paddy: "if you guess how many rabbits I've got in my bag Mick you can have them both.

Mick: "Is there 3 paddy"?

 

[Mad Eyed Screamer]

A bloke called his friend up and said
''Last night I achieved my ultimate sexual fantasy - I shagged twins!''
His friend was suitably impressed
''Sounds fantastic, were you able to tell them apart so you knew what you were doing to each one?''
''Yes'', replied the bloke, ''Samantha had a gorgeous pair of boobs and Andrew had a beard''.

 

[BackofJeanette]

Went to the doctors a few weeks back and he prescribed me suppositories for my ailment.

Took one every day with a glass of water.
For what good they did I might as well stuck them up my arse.

 

[dickie davies]

A bloke called his friend up and said
''Last night I achieved my ultimate sexual fantasy - I shagged twins!''
His friend was suitably impressed
''Sounds fantastic, were you able to tell them apart so you knew what you were doing to each one?''
''Yes'', replied the bloke, ''Samantha had a gorgeous pair of boobs and Andrew had a beard''.

We heard you the first time except it was you who were shagging them

I was telling my mate last night that I finally achieved my ultimate fantasy in shagging identical twins.
He asked me if I was able to tell them apart - if I knew which one I was shagging each time.
''Yes'', I replied, ''Samantha had a cracking pair of tits and Simon had a beard.''

 

[RadcliffeRick]

We heard you the first time except it was you who were shagging them

STALKER ALERT!!!!!