Joke thread

[dickie davies]

STALKER ALERT!!!!!

I am @City_rabin and claim the prize money

 

[Mad Eyed Screamer]

We heard you the first time except it was you who were shagging them

Bloody hell how many pages back did you have to stalk, er search for that?

 

[Chev Chelios]

I brought the missus a pair of slippers and a dildo for her birthday, if she doesnt like the slippers she can go fuck herself.

 

[dickie davies]

Bloody hell how many pages back did you have to stalk, er search for that?

It was such a shit joke I remembered reading it
A quick search brought it up and it was originally posted December 2017

 

[BackofJeanette]

Teacher says to class, " ok children today is letter day."

She points to Little Johnny at the back, " Johnny, today's letter is N.
Tell me something you are no good at beginning with N".

" Spelling Miss".

 

[dronefromsector7G]

Me and the wife went to the cinema to watch a film. Half way through my wife whispered to me, "The bloke next to me is masturbating." I told her, "Just ignore him." She replied, "I can't. He's using my hand!"

 

[Barcon]

Me and the wife went to the cinema to watch a film. Half way through my wife whispered to me, "The bloke next to me is masturbating." I told her, "Just ignore him." She replied, "I can't. He's using my hand!"

I thought it was her foot.

 

[Uwe Already]

Missing the joke thread, so here’s a contribution:

I delivered a package to a farm the other day and the farmer was by a pig sty so I gave him the package, then noticed a pig with a wooden leg. “There’s something you don’t see every day” I said, “that there is a special pig” says the farmer “saved my life he did” so I asked him to tell me the story.

“I was in the barn when it caught fire, I was trapped but that pig broke down the door and grabbed me by the collar of my overalls and pulled me to safety. I was unconscious, so he ran to the farmhouse and got my wife, who called an ambulance and I’m here to tell the tale”.

“But that doesn’t explain why he has a wooden leg” I said, he replied “when a pig is that clever, you don’t eat him all at once...”

I thank you!

 

[Paulpowersleftfoot]

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained. "Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing." The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."

 

[jimharri]

I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail,

but apparently you can't end a sentence with a proposition.