Joke thread

Keith and his wife are having hard financial times, so after much deliberation, they decide that shes going to try being a hooker. She's not quite sure what to do, so Keith says, “Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him you charge a hundred quid for some how’s yer father. Any questions and I'll be parked around the corner."

She stands outside the bar for about five minutes showing a bit of leg, when a fella pulls up and asks "How much?" She says, "A hundred quid." He replies, "All I’ve got is thirty."

She says, "Hold on," and runs back to Keith and asks. "He’s not got enough money Keith, What can he get for thirty quid?"

"A hand job," Keith replies. She runs back and tells the guy all he can get for thirty quid is a hand job.

He agrees and she gets in the car. He unzips his trousers, and pops out a massive willy. She stares at it for a few seconds, then says. "I'll be right back." She runs back to Keith.

"What's wrong?" he asks.

"Any chance you could lend this guy seventy quid?"
 
Cliff Richards at a concert in Tokyo, any requests”. “‘Tits and Fannies” “sorry” says Cliff “Tits and Fannies, how we don’t talk anymore”.

An old man asked Stevie Wonder to play a jazz cord at his concert.

When Stevie played a simple jazz cord, the old man said "No Stevie, A JAZZ CHORD." Stevie Wonder in amusement at his music knowledge played a more complex jazz chord. At the end of it he was met with the same answer as before.

Stevie Wonder in confusion and bewilderment at the old man's repeated request, invited him up on stage to demonstrate exactly what he meant.

The old man took the mike and said " A Jazz chord to say I love you".
 
An old man asked Stevie Wonder to play a jazz cord at his concert.

When Stevie played a simple jazz cord, the old man said "No Stevie, A JAZZ CHORD." Stevie Wonder in amusement at his music knowledge played a more complex jazz chord. At the end of it he was met with the same answer as before.

Stevie Wonder in confusion and bewilderment at the old man's repeated request, invited him up on stage to demonstrate exactly what he meant.

The old man took the mike and said " A Jazz chord to say I love you".

The original joke was he was playing in Japan, and a guy in the audience shouts for it. And said with a strong Japanese accent .... un pc now I guess, but makes more sense. ;-)
 
A man goes to his doctor because his arms and legs have turned cold and blue.
After a series of blood tests the doctor calls him back him and says "I've got some bad news. You have a rare viral, vascular disease, this is a new strain and it's the first recorded case we're naming it Blue235, you're estimated to have less than 24 hours to live."
That night the man thinks "Fuck It" and goes to his local working men's club for a final session.
He drinks heavily but in the meantime wins every game of bingo including the monthy jackpot. Then he has a quid in both the fruit machines and takes the jackpot from both.
The barman notices this and approaches the man and says "Wow your very lucky tonight!"
The man answers, "Lucky!, Lucky! I have fucking Blue235!"
The barman replies "Lucky **** you've only won the raffle aswell!!"
First heard that he had HIV !! He won the football card
 
jvukeN6R.jpg
 
The Reverend John Flapps was the pastor of a small town church
in Ireland . One day he was walking down the High Street and he
noticed a young lady of his congregation sitting in a pub
drinking beer.
The Reverend wasn't happy. He walked through the open
door of the pub and sat down next to the woman. 'Mrs
Fitzgerald,' he said sternly. 'This is no place for a member
of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?' 'Sure,'
she said with a slur, obviously very drunk.
When Mrs Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave
back and forth.
The Reverend realized that she'd had far too much to drink and
grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost
their Balance and tumbled to the floor.
After rolling around for a few moments, the Reverend wound up
on top of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.
The pub landlord looked over and said, 'Oi Mate, we won't have
any of that carrying on in this pub.'
The Reverend looked up at the landlord and said, 'But you
don't understand, I'm Pastor Flapps.' The landlord nodded and
said,
'Oh well, if you're that far in, you might as well finish.'
 
One I received recently:

A married couple, Boo and Darleen, rednecks and thick as fuck from the Deep South in the US have nine kids.

Darleen falls pregnant again so her and Boo go to their Doctors

“What can I do for you Darleen?”

“I’m pregnant and need to have an abortion”

“ You have nine kids, another one won’t make much difference”

Boo, butted in

“Listen Doc, I’ve heard one in ten kids born in the US are Mexican, we need to get rid as me and Darleen don’t speak Spanish”.
 
Bloke walks into a pub and asks for a Guinness, downs it in one and asks for another. After 5 pints, all downed in one, the barman asks why he’s doing it “just had my first blow job” he replied “well done” said the barman “let me get you another to help celebrate” “no thanks” says the man, “if that didn’t get rid of the taste, another one isn’t going to help!”
 

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