Joke thread

[hammocity]

Arthur and Joan were celebrating their 60th wedding anniversary, Arthur says

“let’s revisit our early days and have a naked breakfast, see if it turns us on like it used to”

they strip off and sit at the table

After a while Joan

“hey Arthur, it’s doing it for me, my nipples have gone really hot”

Arthur

“fucks sake Joan, ones dangling in your porridge and the other’s in your cup of tea”

 

[Big Swifty]

What''s the difference between a war-horse and a dray-horse?
One darts into the fray....

What's the difference between a toddler and the manager of a girl band?
One sucks his finger....

What's the difference between a nun and a woman having a bath?
One's got hope in her soul....

What's the difference between a cross-eyed sniper and a constipated owl?
One shoots and can't hit.....

What's the difference between a counterfeit dollar bill and Victoria Beckham?
One's a phoney buck.....

What's the difference between Lord Rosebery and Group-Captain Peter Townsend?
One gave the Royal Hunt Cup (if you are too young, ask your granddad, or Oakie or Dave Ewing's Back 'Eader to explain it)

That's it. I'm fed up typing "What's the difference..."

 

[Sam Armstrong]

Chinese Takeaway £24
Petrol to pick it up £2

Getting home and realising one of the useless tw@ts have forgotten one of your containers

Riceless.

 

[dickie davies]

What''s the difference between a war-horse and a dray-horse?
One darts into the fray....

What's the difference between a toddler and the manager of a girl band?
One sucks his finger....

What's the difference between a nun and a woman having a bath?
One's got hope in her soul....

What's the difference between a cross-eyed sniper and a constipated owl?
One shoots and can't hit.....

What's the difference between a counterfeit dollar bill and Victoria Beckham?
One's a phoney buck.....

What's the difference between Lord Rosebery and Group-Captain Peter Townsend?
One gave the Royal Hunt Cup (if you are too young, ask your granddad, or Oakie or Dave Ewing's Back 'Eader to explain it)

That's it. I'm fed up typing "What's the difference..."

What's the difference between a goldfish and a goat?
One mucks around a fountain

 

[Sam Armstrong]

I was the first person to install trampolines in musician's tour buses ....... now everybody is jumping on the bandwagon!!

 

[chrishull]

I got home last night to find my wife had changed the bed for a trampoline.
I hit the roof.

 

[Uwe Already]

Recently trained as a trampoline instructor. If my career ever goes wrong, I’ve got something to fall back on.

 

[dronefromsector7G]

After having dug to a depth of 10 metres last year, Scottish scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the Scots, in the weeks that followed, English scientists dug to a depth of 20 metres, and shortly after, headlines in the English newspapers read: 'English archaeologists have found traces of 200 year old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the Scots.'

One week later, 'The Kerryman,' a southwest Irish newsletter, reported the following: 'After digging as deep as 30 metres in peat bog near Tralee, Paddy O'Toole, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing..

Paddy has therefore concluded that 300 years ago Ireland had already gone wireless.'

 

[jimharri]

I was walking past a pet shop today when I saw a sign on a cage in the window that read
Pedigree Netherlands cat for sale.
I didn't believe it could be from Holand so I went in and asked the assistant
How Dutch is that moggy in the window


Thank you, thank you. To quote Yoda, "here all week, I am".

 

[mccity]

I have a cat allergy...


I can't eat cats.