Joke thread

[Indaparkside]

Wife’s taken up running, she said I’m going to do 2 miles a day. By my calculations by the end of the month the fat cu nt will be 56 miles away from me

 

[Big Swifty]

Wife’s taken up running, she said I’m going to do 2 miles a day. By my calculations by the end of the month the fat cu nt will be 56 miles away from me

Bloody hilarious. I laughed till I hurt. Sometimes the simplest and crudest are the best. Cheered me up no end. I need it.

 

[Big Swifty]

Two chaps who happen to have cleft palates are in a pub.

One says (and you have to say all this with appropriate pronunciation) "You see that guy sat over there? Him with the red hair, red face and a ten-gallon hat on his table? I'm sure that's Red Adair"
His mate says "Course it's not. Ask him then"
First guy goes over and says "Excuse me - are you Red Adair?" The man replies "Sure as hell am, son. You got an oil-well fire and I'll put it out for your" So first guy goes back to his mate and says "See? It WAS Red Adair"
Mate says: "All right then - if that's Red Adair, where the hell is Ginger Rogers?"

 

[Zubrman]

 

[Ste1969]

86 year old guy shuffles into doctors on his zimmer and says to receptionist



"I'd like to see a doctor"


"Why whats wrong?" She said


"I have a problem with my willy"




Shocked the receptionist says such things are private and should not be said to a lady. She tells him "If its a personal problem like that you make it up and say something's wrong with your ear"




She gives him a real telling off and sends him out to try again from the start. So the poor old lad shuffles out on his zimmer shuffles back in and says




"I'd like to see a doctor"


"Why whats wrong?" She said


"I have a problem with my ear"


"Whats wrong with your ear?" She asks


"I cant piss through it"

 

[oakiecokie]

Two chaps who happen to have cleft palates are in a pub.

One says (and you have to say all this with appropriate pronunciation) "You see that guy sat over there? Him with the red hair, red face and a ten-gallon hat on his table? I'm sure that's Red Adair"
His mate says "Course it's not. Ask him then"
First guy goes over and says "Excuse me - are you Red Adair?" The man replies "Sure as hell am, son. You got an oil-well fire and I'll put it out for your" So first guy goes back to his mate and says "See? It WAS Red Adair"
Mate says: "All right then - if that's Red Adair, where the hell is Ginger Rogers?"

Shouldn`t laugh at people with disabilities ... but I did.

 

[blue b4 the moon]

There’s not much left on the shelves so today I just bought what I could get my hands on, and I’ve tried crab paste for the very first time.

It’s disgusting, I’m taking it back to the chemist first thing tomorrow to get a refund.

 

[Blueskying]

Young miss Jones in maths class: class, 5 birds are sitting in a tree, and farmer brown shoots one. How many are left? Little Billy’s hand shoots up: none, miss, the sound of the gun scared them all off.
Miss Jones: hm.. actually the answer I was looking for is 4, but I like the way you’re thinking. Sit down. Billy: I‘ve got one - 3 women are eating ice cream, one is licking, one is biting and one is sucking. Which one is married?
Miss Jones: err.. the one who’s sucking?
Billy: no. The one wearing a wedding ring. But I like the way you’re thinking.

 

[jimharri]

If you get an email entitled "ding dong", don't open it. It's the Jehovah's Witnesses working from home.

 

[Ste1969]

will a locksmith be classed as a key worker;)