Joke thread

A wife, being the romantic sort, sends her husband a text.
"If you're sleeping, send me your dreams. If you're laughing, send me your smile. If you're eating, send me a bite. If you're drinking send me a sip and if you're crying, send me your tears. I love you"
The husband, being typically non romantic, replies
"I'm on the toilet, please advise!"
 
was in my back garden having a beer at 19.59 and started singing to my self

If you all hate scousers clap your hands and the whole street joined in

I didn't bother going out I just sent Mrs Mist to the front door and told her to clap louder.
 
Plane with 5 passengers on board....Donald Trump, Boris Johnson, The Pope, Nicola Sturgeon and a ten year old boy. The plane is about to crash and there are omly 4 parachutes on board.

Trump says "I need one, I need to sort out the USA"...he takes one and jumps.

The Pope "I need one, I have to sort out the Catholic church"...he takes one and jumps.

Sturgeon says" I need one, I'm the smartest woman in Scotland"...she takes one and jumps.

Boris Johnson turns to the ten year old boy and says "You can have the last parachute, I've lived my life and yours is only just starting. Go ahead"

And the boy replies" Don't worry Sir, there are still two parachutes left. The smartest woman in Scotland took my schoolbag!"
 

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