Feel like am near rock bottom.

[ob]

Mekon didn't want to quote all the text - stay strong pal, I find it easier if I keep myself busy

 

[Blootoof]

Hi all. Apologies for the lengthy post first. Difficult to know how to start this post, hopefully the words flow easier once I've started.

Last October as I was packing the car to take the kids away camping I got the phone call nobody wants from my sister in law. It's about my mum, tests from the hospital revealed she had cancer in the colon. As a family we'd all known something wasn't right, mum had been hopsitalised with pain, severe anaemia in August. It was her Birthday in September and I took my youngest boy up to see her now back at home and we had a good day but it was as you can imagine a bit disheartening to see her not right. Turned out mum was full of tumours, the cancer had spread and was inoperable due to mums ill health. At the time I was living on the edge of Derbyshire with my girlfriend her kids and our little one so had to visit mum at weekends and over the next couple of months mum became too poorly and bedbound. One weekend I put up christmas decorations in her bedroom and one of them nights I had to change her pad, I felt like ... just felt wrong, I was so sad. I felt for my sister who was going in daily to do do all this as she lives a lot nearer.

Back at home things were ok but I was becoming withdrawn, I lashed out at the woman a couple of times one day she asked me how was mum when I came back and I bitterly replied "she's dying in her bed" as soon as I said it I felt a right ****. I put it down to if she had come with me to visit mum with me she would have seen that but she didn't. not once.
I hated work but gave it all, put overtime in whilst it was available I felt it was right as money had been tight for a while when I had been out of work.

I've had a problem with drinking and it got no better during this time, weekends I would drink too much in the house when she was at work and I was supposed to be watching the little one and then on christmas eve during a house party I did what I've done a couple of our xmas eve parties, I fell asleep, pissed up.

Boxing day and the woman I have loved for seven years told me it was over, bang. Done with. Started sleeping on the couch and she suggested I find a houseshare or something. It was over, that's that. Whenever I had a drink I would go for oblivion and that's what she said had killed her love for me, can't go out together, she's worrying if she works late on a weekend that I'm pissed in the house and to be fair: probably right.

Went to see Mum on the 4th January and came back on the monday before I went I said see you at the weekend mum and with a deal of effort she waved me from her bed. I never saw her again because the next morning in work I got a text from my Sister about 10:40 "can you come?" I just went and seen the supervisor and told him I needed to go, got a lift "home" and told her I hadn't been finished short time for the day... it was mum. She drove me to the train station and I can't remember much. Just mum cold and small in her bed.

Back at home and still nowhere to move into,After mums funeral one day, The little one saw me taking sunglasses off a shelf whilst I was looking for my bank card "oh are they mine? I thought they was John's"

John is the ex's boss at work, I thought nothing too much of it right then. I soon found after they are together from a 3rd party but she denied when I politely asked.

I went to stay with my sister after quitting my job but was persuaded to go back to work, I found a gaff back down there and thought right, do this for my kids, go work, save money etc but before I even went back to work I just fucking packed my bags and came back to Manchester, I can't stay down there anymore, I'm too fucked in the head with it all and I didn't really have any close friends or ties other than with her.

My woman finishes with me and she's miraculously partners with someone so soon after? Alll this while mum is dying and she was no support (and to be fair I wasn't a good partner either at the time, too in my own world)

Thing is, I'm back here in Manchester still nowhere to live, staying at my brother's and its cramped, no job, not many prospects from what I can see and I'm a fuckin ruin, I'm consumed with guilt at all the fuck ups I've made, not just the ones I've listed, I've got bad shakes in my hands and I haven't drunk since Saturday! I'm missing my children like crazy and it breaks my heart when im on the phone and the little boy says Daddy come home now.

I'm really at a loss as what to do and I could do with some good advice from those who've been there or, can speak with any wisdom. I've got family here but, I've never felt so alone and consumed with such despair. I tried to get a positive mindset last night but I woke up this morning feeling worse than ever.

thank you for reading this.

Probably been posted but have a word with your gp. I bullshit mine like fuck, always have. Everyone does. Not any more though, she's fuckin sound. She takes the weight off my head by just talkin

 

[johnny on the spot]

Probably been posted but have a word with your gp. I bullshit mine like fuck, always have. Everyone does. Not any more though, she's fuckin sound. She takes the weight off my head by just talkin

Good advice. I can't stress enough the importance of having a good GP or specialist if you're struggling through bad times. You'll be able to tell them things you might not want your friends and family knowing.

Whatever you do, don't isolate yourself. Drink has an isolating power to the extent that you won't even know it's happening.

If you keep going back to drink, have a word with AA. It might seem a drastic step, but in reality it's just about talking to people who are also trying to avoid getting drunk. You don't even have to go to a meeting and you certainly don't have to stand up and say 'My names anon and I'm an alcoholic'.

 

[robertdanmorris]

the advice about seeing a GP is essential.

Only extra thing to offer is that some GPs are better than others at dealing with depression. Each GP in a practice has their own areas of interest and their own ways of doing things. Sometimes a patient and doctor don't always click. So in short, if your GP seems unsupportive, it may be worth arranging to speak to another GP in the practice.

 

[digbythebiggestdogintheworld]

the advice about seeing a GP is essential.

Only extra thing to offer is that some GPs are better than others at dealing with depression. Each GP in a practice has their own areas of interest and their own ways of doing things. Sometimes a patient and doctor don't always click. So in short, if your GP seems unsupportive, it may be worth arranging to speak to another GP in the practice.

this, definitely. if you have been to your GP and weren't happy with the outcome, go and see another one (sorry if this has been covered, not read all 11 pages)

 

[blueonblue]

Its no good other people (Including me) telling you what to do no matter how hard they are trying to be of help, so answer a few questions just for yourself

1) do you know that answers can never be found in a bottle and are more likely to be made worst ?

2) That no matter how things have gone against you in the past, isn`t it true that you got over them in time ?

3) What would your mum want for you ?.

What I can tell you is I have been where you are now, and by some of the other replies I`m not the only one to have been there, so I can promise you hand on heart it will get better one day at a time.

All the best mate.

 

[peoffrey]

Mekon didn't want to quote all the text - stay strong pal, I find it easier if I keep myself busy

You're a good man, Roy. You don't deserve bad treatment.

 

[Plaything of the gods]

Just come across this thread. Very sorry to hear your troubles SHWC. I've only read the first page of posts so what I've got to say has probably been covered already, and I don't have any personal experience to draw on.

Get yourself in a positive mood:

See your GP, get counselling, talk to the Samaritans, consult a hypnotist/life-coach - any or all of these.

Exercise your body - healthy body makes a healthy mind and all that - to help stay positive.

Surround yourself with positive, friendly people. Avoid negative people. That includes your ex, who sounds as though she isn't worth bothering about except as the mother of your little one. Let her get on with her own life. You may both become closer in the future when you've got yourself sorted out, but for now stay cool about her.

Stay off the sauce. You need to be with your kids, not booze. This, as others, probably many others by now, have said, is vital. Carry on with the drinking and it will all be downhill.

To sum up. Get your self-respect and feeling of self-worth back. You ARE worthy of a good life. It is your right. But it won't come without the right attitude and a bit of effort. That is the same for everyone and you are no exception.

 

[StrangewaysHereWeCome]

You may both become closer in the future when you've got yourself sorted out

I would rather stick pins in my ears than try and be friends with that again. Don't think she's even worth of civility but I am trying ...

Exercise your body - healthy body makes a healthy mind and all that - to help stay positive.

Thanks, very good advice

You ARE worthy of a good life. It is your right. But it won't come without the right attitude and a bit of effort. That is the same for everyone and you are no exception.

I'm reading that and rereading it, taking positives from it, Cheers mate, not true what they say about you ;-)

 

[Plaything of the gods]

Good start with the positive attitude to your ex(!)

Forgot to say also to change your routine so as to break habits and associations with drink and anything else bad in your life.

A good mantra for life "Problems are challenges are opportunities".

I don't know what they say about me. But it may well be true. PM me it if you don't want to repeat it here. I don't mind. No one here knows me, what I'm really like.