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I've just been to a veganism exhibition in London. It's well worth a butcher's

Thanks. All feedback much appreciated... (So the chickens tell me)

There is a rich man from the middle east who plans to buy all the fish and chip shops in the UK. His name is Sultan Vinegar

What am I....? I start out with mostly whites and some blacks. I systematically eliminate the whites leaving only some of the RIGHT whites. So.... what am I? Paint by numbers

I went into an Indian restaurant and asked for a Chicken Chaat. The waiter replied "cock-a-doodle-doo - cluck cluck - squawk - cluck - bawk bawk"

What's your strategy? Birthdays Two minutes later, turns to partner in audience to ask when Aunty Mabel's birthday is.... Cue Stephen Mulhearn with ten minute discussion on who Aunty Mabel is and how she's impacted on her life... Open box.... £75,000

Playboy founder Hugh Hefner is buried in the Westwood Village Memorial Park & Mortuary in a burial vault next to Marilyn Monroe. He bought it specifically for about $63,000 in 1992.

My neighbour had a delivery of flowers today but she found that all the heads had been cut off... I think she's being stalked

A man walked into a bar and saw an ugly guy who was constantly surrounded by women. “How to spot a millionaire, am I right?” he winked and smiled at the bartender. No, Larry is a plumber, not a millionaire,” replied the bartender. “Okay,” said the guy. “So he must be extremely charming.”...

Scientists have successfully used stem cells to grow vocal chords in the lab. The results speak for themselves.

I hate the winter... I just walked to the shop to get some frozen sausages. By the time I got home I had an extra one.

David Beckham goes horseback riding for the first time in his life, he's never had any prior lessons or training. As soon as his bottom hits the saddle, the horse gallops away. He immediately realises that he's not in the saddle correctly and does everything he can to stay on the horse. He...

The frost was horrendous this morning and I couldn’t find my scraper, so I had to use my Tesco Clubcard. It wasn’t great, but I managed to get 20% off

"Knock, knock"... "Whose their?"... Grammar Police... We have a lot of work to do.

Two guys were drinking in a bar when a morbidly obese woman entered. "I can't imagine anyone wanting to fuck a woman like that," said the first. "Don't be too sure," said the second, "I wouldn't throw her out of bed." "Really?" "Yeah... I don't have the arm strength."