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My mate plucked up the courage to join Hypochondriacs Anonymous. He said that the hardest part was standing up in front of everyone and admitting he don't have a problem.

I used to have an unhealthy obsession with plumbing parts but, after years of therapy, I finally got it out my cistern.

Someone once called me illiterate. Bollocks. My parents had been married three years when they had me.

My grandad never used to mind if people came round while he was working Lovely man, shit anaesthetist

Anyone interested in a free ride in a Helicopter and lunch on a yacht? It's a trip for 4 people, and I’m still looking for 2 more to join us. We leave early Sunday morning from Manchester and will fly to Poole where we will have a late breakfast and then onto a luxuey yacht for lunch. Then...

Just played a couple of games of football down the local quarry. We won 3-1. On aggregate.

I'm boycotting the creators of 'Thomas and friends' for ignoring my idea for a new character. I thought a new 'female' train that keeps losing her cargo would of helped to keep the show fresh. They never even gave Miss Carriage a chance.

I was watching countdown earlier and that Rachel Riley was in a very short skirt. I got aroused. Only seven letters, but not bad for a first attempt.

My mate has just come back from the national housebuilding championships. He made it through to the semis.

Today would have been the 100th wedding anniversary of my grandparents, Pearl and Dean. Or, as we used to call them: Grandma and Grand-papapaa-pa-paa-paa-papapaaa...

My gran died earlier today in a rail accident and I feel really bad about it. After all, I was the one who fitted the curtains.

I have long hoped that Will Self would marry an Indian woman called Shatma

For Sale: Empty bird cage. Higher perches available.

I spent 20 minutes banging and slamming around the house and eventually screamed at the kids "Where's that bloody thing that peels the vegetables?" Apparently she went to stay with her mother a few days ago.

Sounds unlikely, but Tony Hadley has just released a reggae version of Spandau Ballet's biggest hit, sung in a Jamaican accent. It's true dat.

In Canada, you are more likely to die of a kick from a moose than a terrorist attack. Those damn moose limbs

A cannibal is running through the woods, another cannibal stops him and says "have you seen my brother?" He replies "I passed him this morning"

I've been ripped off again! I paid a joiner to make a double bed and he's done a bunk.