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I ran into a lamp post this morning but I only suffered light injuries.

My mate's handwriting is so bad that he can't get a girlfriend. He's an illegible bachelor.

Because of melting glaciers, mountaineers have had to ascend Mount Everest by an alternate route. A clear indication of climb it change.

What's the difference between and Indian and an African elephant? One of them is an elephant

My neighbour only ever gardens with his eyes closed. His hedge trimming is impressive, but the way he cuts grass is totally blind mowing.

I've just watched a documentary about what happens to your body when you wake up It was eye-opening.

A man encounters a genie... The genie tells him: "OK, you get two wishes." The man replies, "I thought it was three wishes?" The genie says: "Check your pants mate, I've been doing this a long time."

A bloke just sat down next to me on the train... He's sweating profusely, wearing strange clothes and has a backpack... I'm absolutely shitting myself.... I think he might be a cyclist.

An irate woman burst into the baker's shop and said, " I sent my son in for two pounds of biscuits this morning, but when I weighed them there was only one pound. I suggest that you check your scales." The baker looked at her calmly for a moment or two and then replied, "Ma'am, I suggest you...

Not an FOC then.... :-)

Turgid match Three points gained On to the next one Hope it's more interesting.

I've just found out that Bob the Builder isn't British.. He's Corsican

A girl gets invited on a date... "Mum, can I go to the movies with my friend Todd?” “What kind of movie are you going to see?" said her mother. "A horror movie," the girl said. "No, you can't," said the mother. "Well, what about a romantic movie ?" the girl asked "You can’t,” her mother...

It's hard graft, but someone has to do it.

This simple maths test can accurately predict your favourite film. - Pick a number between 1 and 9. - Multiply by 3 - Add 3 to that number - Multiply by 3 again - Add the two digits together Now discover your favourite film! 1. Oliver Twist 2. Saving Private Ryan 3. Gone with the Wind 4...

A bloke asked his wife to dress up as his favourite Star Wars character for some sexy birthday fun. He walked into the bedroom that night and he was shocked and said, "Love, Jabba the Hut is not my favourite Star Wars character" "Fuck off" She shouted "I haven't got dressed yet"

The man who made the first chickpea dip never got recognition until after death… He got a posthummus award

When I was working, I frequently found flying to be the cheaper option, even taking onward tube / bus fares into account! Rail prices are ridiculously high in the UK.

I'd pay someone to break his legs.