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I read an article about strange perversions. One was shoving a croissant up your bum Apparently, it's a real pain in the arse.

The inventor of male and female pairs tennis has sadly passed away. RIP Mick Stubbles.

I hate it when people tell me that age is just a number. It's clearly a word.

Police arrested a girl today for selling dodgy goods Counterfeit? Yes, she had two.

I got some of that lovely German bread from Aldi today Stollen? No, I paid for it at the till

Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Not a fan of the BBC. Very inconsistent quality, particularly in respect of 'comedy' shows. As the national broadcaster, it should never have lost live coverage of international sporting competitions. It's a third rate service compared to 40 years ago. Put it out of It's misery.

Woke up early this morning so thought I’d go for a stroll down the lane, through the old tunnel along by the river, across the meadow, up the hill and over and down by the bridge... Sorry, I’m just rambling now.

I was in the supermarket yesterday and saw a bloke steal some potatoes, carrots, turnips and celery. I was thinking of going after him, but realised it would be fruitless.

I fell asleep on the trampoline again. Third night on the bounce.

I called my doctors surgery this morning. "I need to make an appointment for as soon as possible," I said, "Everything in my ear is echoing." "Ok," she replied, "How does tomorrow sound?" I said, "Morrow, orrow, row, ow."

I heard that my neighbour is struggling financially and can't afford his water bill. I sent him a get well soon card.

Did you know that you can actually hear the blood running through your veins? You have to listen variclosely.

Little known fact.... In order to kill a French vampire, you have to drive a baguette through its heart. As you'd expect, the process is painstaking.

A woman gets a call from her accountant who asks, ‘What I write in the profession, of your tax form?’ The woman replies, ‘You know I’m a prostitute.’ The accountant thinks it would be too offensive to write her profession as ‘prostitute ’. ‘Ok then… put it down as a chicken farmer.’ She...

This year’s Fibonacci convention is going to be really special. Apparently, it’s as big as the last two put together.

What's the average height for a chef? I don't know but Heston's Blumenthal.

My mate's wife spent her entire savings on an unsuccessful vaginal reconstruction surgery. Now she hasn't got a bean