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I asked the missus what she wanted me to do with some leftover bubble wrap. She said "pop it in the other room"

I bought a second hand time machine next Tuesday. They don’t make them like they’re going to anymore.

Great BBQ last night at the local library... we all had Shhhhhsh Kebabs...

Just came up to a sign that said, 'Pavement closed. Please use other side.' To be honest, it made me cross.

I just found out that the bloke who invented Horlicks is a malty millionaire.

My thigh bones keep making insulting comments about God. They're blasfemurs.

When I was a child my parents used to make me bathe in cheap Australian lager.... I've just realised that I was fostered

My mate went to a local factory to try and get a job. The woman on the desk said she had three openings. My mate said "I know that, but have you got any jobs?"

I've just been in hospital having my embarrassing third nipple removed. I'm glad to get that off my chest

I'm waiting for a response from a major toy company about a new invention, a toy that spins very quickly around on a central axis for a period of time before tipping over. They've got their top people looking at it.

My missus pointed next to her on the bed and said “come here”. I took a closer look and it was actually just toothpaste.

I got some extra sensitive toothpaste ... It really doesn't like it when I use other toothpastes.

Two commuters use the Tube to the City. They get on and off at the same stations, and having done it for years they occasionally nod greetings or even exchange a “good morning.” One of them looked really unhappy one day and the other said “I know we haven’t been introduced but if you don’t mind...

Things Confucius never said Man who wants pretty nurse must be patient. Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly. Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent. Woman who dance wearing jock strap have make believe ballroom Squirrel who runs up woman’s' leg will not...

I like making jokes about the parts of the eyes The cornea the better

My mate finished his meal in the restaurant and the waiter said "your bill sir" He said no I'm not, I'm Jeff.

Sink

A woman gets hit on the head by a flying dustbin during a storm. People gather round to help and someone calls an ambulance. The paramedic says to her “I think you may have concussion, how many fingers have it got up?” The woman looks frightened and says “oh no, not only have I got concussion...

To be honest Karen, I think much the same about some of the younger generation (male and female) with their trout pouts, fake tits, and tattoos etc, however, I don't usually feel inclined to comment on here about it. I only ever watch reality shite by accident, when flicking through channels. I...