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My friend aged 66 retired last year. 25 years in the same job. Got his state pension in March this year. Got cancer in October, died after 3 weeks, pension not touched. He's divorced so no one gets the pension now. Changed my attitude to life. I'm spending the fucker. My missus got comfortably...

That an email is confidential so how can someone steal it and use it against you. Why does every email have this confidentiality contained so therefore making it inadmissible?

Every email has a similar statement contained within it. This is from Barclays Bank today. Is it just me that doesn't get this?

Sent DM

The wife came back from buying her costume for a fancy dress party earlier. "Stay there baby" she said to me, "while I nip upstairs and put it on to show you." She came back down, opened the living room door and stood before me. "Wow honey, that's a winning costume you've got there." I told...

Yes mate

2 adult tickets North Stand Level 2 Row B 239 Just near to goal. Need supporters number to send friends and family. £70 for both

Got 2 together. North stand behind goal level 2 second row. £50 for the pair.

You will probably be killed as the bloke that initially started selling them made £750k 10 years ago. He not gonna let anybody hustle on his pitch.

I just put Talkshite on at the start of the second half on my way home. They just got the pen as I pulled into my road I had to listen whilst laughing about how "brilliant ' the penalty was. I mean, it was a penalty, not a build up in open play. But the kept reiterating how brilliant it was and...

I'm old enough to remember him but don't remember his funeral so was slightly taken aback to see what was effectively a state funeral. I bet everyone that attended never mentions the fact that they did.

All that money spent on T2. Went for a piss last week. Arabic woman in the gents with a wheelchair. There is a disabled loo inside the arrivals hall. One urinal. 3 cubicles, all being used, queue out the door. Went upstairs to back end of check in. One urinal, two cubicles. Big queue. Cleaner...

I was in a cafe today and two waitresses had a massive row over how long to leave a teabag in the cup. It got so bad it ended up in violence. I asked the manager what had happened and he told me it had been brewing for ages....

I've still got a Mk 1 Cortina manual.

I wonder if it's got a ribbon?

Good lick Willy!

"I'm getting the word........ Nonce" ;-)

I made my wife's dreams come true and we were married in a castle. But you sure wouldn't have known it from the look on her face as we were bouncing around.