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It would be nice if they fixed the fucking ticket machines. The one at Manchester Airport wasn’t working when I got back from Spain and the app was useless, and when I changed at St Werburgh’s Road, the same thing happened there. Neither machine working. Couldn’t buy a ticket. How the fuck are...

I like Squires on Football but I’m getting sick of the sports washing cartoons. We get it. You don’t like City or Newcastle. You think they’re sportswashing state-owned bastards. Fucking change the record and write about West Ham or something. Or Wednesday after their marvellous comeback.

Oh Christ, Roy Keane. The footballer to end all footballers, who every footballer ever should aspire to be.

No true Liverpool fan would ever accept the Arab dollar!

This is why I don’t eat anything containing turmeric if I’m wearing white. It’s a jinx.

They’re full of it. They won’t. Hope they’re enjoying seeing Bellingham in white.

BABIES

Leon went for a wee when I came over. Typical cat, having a slash in polite company. Mine always licks his rudes. 21 is a ripe old age for a cat!

Is it still going ahead?

My brother’s cat Leon died this weekend, he had cancer and it was an aggressive tumour, and the vet made it clear there was no hope for him, so he had to be put down. I went the vet with them and it made me a bit weepy, because he was a lovely boy. He was a bit quiet when I came over but I...

Kaching!

None of them would have coped with Liverpool being as crap as Everton have been lately.

Oh lordy, she shouldn’t be doing that. Travellers or not, you shouldn’t be telling strangers where your house is.

Curtis is spinning in his grave. I saw these at Primavera last week and it was weird seeing them without Peter Hook. No offence to Barney but Love Will Tear Us Apart doesn’t sound right when he sings it.

Did you take part in trashing Manchester and acting like a savage? If not, it’s not aimed at you.

Waaaaahhhhh. Try being an Everton fan, then they’d have something to be mad about.

Awww, mini Foden!

Vinny is also too likeable.

My Manc uncle’s going to be so happy. I’m not even a City fan but you lot winning has cheered me up.

Hurrah for City! About fucking time you won the CL. Manchester is blue.