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<Apple Store> "Good morning sir. How may I help you?" "I'm returning this phone; the Faecal recognition doesn't work." "Excuse me, don't you mean 'Facial'?" "Oh! Erm... have you got a cloth?"

Yes.

Whoever the in-ger-lund captain is.

I've often thought Pep's footballing philosophy was like that of the 1970 Brazil team (still the greatest international team in my book). They might let in the odd goal at the back but would score far more at the other end. They would dominate the pace of the game with possession and splaying...

"My missus has been assaulted by a marsupial in Malaysia." "Kuala Lumpur?" "No, it was a big kangaroo."

Have you noticed how many racing drivers have names linked to Scottish towns? Stirling Moss. Lewis Hamilton. Eddie Irvine. Ayr Town centre.

I said to my wife the other day, "You haven't got a bra on, have you?". "How can you tell? Is it because my nipples are sticking out?", she asked. "No, all the wrinkles in your face have disappeared".

The Magnificent Seven appeared in a series of adverts for an aftershave. It was filmed at Liverpool's Anfield football ground. Only six of them took part, because Yul never wore cologne.

Is it just me, or are the roadkills a bit thin on the ground?

Italian Police, who are hunting a robber who stole a rare biography of Stradivarius, have warned the public not to approach the man as he has a history of violins.

My obsession with the Chuckle brothers is getting out of hand, i've just changed my name from Tommy to Hugh.

I’ve just made a ventriloquist’s dummy out of some old carpet. It’s ruggish.

I got all of the Boy Scout badges, but my favourite was 'Car Horn Maintenance'. It went so well with the Scouts' motto: 'Beep Repaired'.

The first of this 2-parter was on BBC1 tonight. Strangely it was made by ITV for the BBC. There was something nagging me about it for the first half hour then I twigged it. Craig, the live-in boyfriend of the mother of Shannon (the girl hidden by an uncle) was truly gormless. He wasn't...

Rupert-Murdoch Prince-Philip

100% No. I was working at a major employer in Liverpool at the time of Hillsborough. Thankfully my close mates at the game were safe, but we all knew someone who didn't make it back.

....or do the walls need re-pointing? http://www.liverpoolecho.co.uk/sport/football/football-news/steve-mcmanaman-puts-luxury-mansion-12064172#ICID=FB-Liv-main

WOMAN BANNED FOR LIFE ON BRADFORD BUSES A woman has received a lifetime ban from a Bradford bus company after repeatedly breaking wind in their vehicles. On one occasion a driver was physically sick. Bradford Magistrates Court heard how Yolande Pogba, aged 48 from Lumb Lane, Bradford revelled...

Pleased as I am at Wales improved FIFA rankings, I was aware that in-ger-land were moving in the opposite direction. However, I hadn't realised they had tumbled so low as to have to appoint 'Fat Sam' to help them in a relegation fight.

I heard it was a package of Cup Final tickets that Baldy Combover was going to flog in the bogs.