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My mathematician ex girlfriend was obsessed with discovering the largest known prime number. I wonder what she’s up to now...

The self depreciation society is taking applications for new members. I've already put myself down.

I have 200 more bones in my body than you have in yours. How? I had a kipper for breakfast

Doctor told me I've got insomnia. I asked him "is it serious?" He said, "There's no cause for alarm."

I've just found out that Humphrey Bogart collected paintings of toilets.

I've got a new job working in a life jacket factory. The pay isn't great but it's helping me to keep my head above water.

I was hiking in the countryside the other day and saw a group of nuns out for a ramble. They were roamin catholics.

I saw a bloke yesterday who had a Quality Street chocolate stuck in his windpipe. Was it the purple one? Yes, that's him.

I went to an Indian restaurant last night. After I ordered, a little old lady came up to me and said, "Aren't you polite.. You have such lovely manners!!".. I didn't realise at the time but apparently, it was my complimentary nan.

I'm getting so excited about a bust I'm having made. I'd better calm down, I'm getting ahead of myself

Our local football team will be going home in their kits after the match. It appears the manager has lost the dressing room

I'm not the best cook in the world but yesterday I bought some corned beef, potatoes and onions and thought I'd try doing something. Obviously I made a hash of it.

How many Countdown contestants does it take to change a BLIHBULGT?

My friend claims he "accidentally" glued himself to his autobiography. I don't believe him... But that's his story and he's sticking to it

Oi think it's bostin'

Just had a letter back from Screwfix Apparently, they’re not a dating site

It's with a heavy heart that I have to inform you that after 25 years as chairman of the Ladder Appreciation Society. I'm finally stepping down