Anyone know any good jokes!

Just looking thorough the buy/sell classifieds section at the back of the local paper and saw a 42 inch lcd flat-screen tv £25 only one prob its stuck on full volume.....

Now how can you turn that down :-) !!!
 
A young fellow ran into an old man who was carrying a bag.

"What's in the bag?" the youngster asked.

"magic apples", the old man replied.

"Prove it", said the young man.

"Well, besides apples, what is your favorite two fruits?" asked the old man.

"Watermelon and peaches", he answered.

The man handed him an apple and told him to try it out. The boy took a bite and said that it tasted like a watermelon. "Ok, turn it over", he said.

The boy did and took another bite and said that it tasted like a peach.

The youngster still wasn't convinced that they were magic.

The old fellow told him to name something else that he liked to eat.

"I like to eat pussy." he snapped.

The man handed him another apple and told him to try it.

He took a big bite, spit it out, wiped his mouth and exclaimed, "That tasted like shit".

The old man looked at him, smiled and said, "Turn it over."
 
There was three women.
1 engaged,1married and 1 mistress all decide to treat their men.
So they dress up in black leather lingerie,stilleto's and a mask.
Next day they all meet up to see how they got on.
The engaged woman said that her man jumped on her and made love all night.
Same here! said the Mistress.
No such luck for me said the Wife.
My husband took one look at me and said "Whats for fucking tea Batman"
 
a guy goes to a golf course he had not played before.he pays his money and the professional says "if you get a hole in 1 on the 7th hole you will get a wish"yeah right he says,anyway of he goes.sure enough on the 7th he gets a hole in 1.a voice says "whats your wish"so he looks around theres no one around he hears the voice again "whats your wish"so he says "I wish I had a bigger dick"nothing happens so he carries on.after a few more holes he feels a movement in his pants,his dick is getting bigger.by the time he,s finnished the round his knob is hanging out the bottom of his trousers and rubbing on the floor,he goes and tells the professional what has happened and asks what he should do ,he tells him to take a bucket of balls back to the 7th and try for another hole in 1.so of he goes his knob dragging on the floor and red raw.after an hour he gets the hole in 1 and he hears the voice "whats your wish"........I wish ...









I had longer legs.
 
sixlashes said:
a guy goes to a golf course he had not played before.he pays his money and the professional says "if you get a hole in 1 on the 7th hole you will get a wish"yeah right he says,anyway of he goes.sure enough on the 7th he gets a hole in 1.a voice says "whats your wish"so he looks around theres no one around he hears the voice again "whats your wish"so he says "I wish I had a bigger dick"nothing happens so he carries on.after a few more holes he feels a movement in his pants,his dick is getting bigger.by the time he,s finnished the round his knob is hanging out the bottom of his trousers and rubbing on the floor,he goes and tells the professional what has happened and asks what he should do ,he tells him to take a bucket of balls back to the 7th and try for another hole in 1.so of he goes his knob dragging on the floor and red raw.after an hour he gets the hole in 1 and he hears the voice "whats your wish"........I wish ...









I had longer legs.
Click to expand...
Brilliant!! Of course, I can sympathise with that golfer!
 
Nag Nag Nag

An attorney got home late one evening, after a very taxing day trying to get a stay of execution for a client, named William Wright, who was due to be hanged for murder
at midnight. His last-minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling tired and depressed.

As soon as he got through the door his wife started on about, 'Do you realize what time it is? Where have you been?', And on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a very large whiskey and headed off for a long, hot soak in the bathtub... pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks.

While he was in the bath the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client had been granted his Stay of Execution after all. Realizing what a day he must have had, she relented a little and went upstairs to give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door the sight of her husband’s rear view greeted her as he bent over naked drying his legs and feet.

'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.

The attorney whirled around and screamed hysterically,



'For crying out loud, woman, don't you ever stop!?'
 
When Madonna first moved to England she said she wanted to feel more English...

She is now an unmarried, single mother with three kids from different fathers, one of them black.

Job done.
 
two dyslexic guys walk into a house

one guys says the other " can you spell gas"?

the reply "will you go way you, I can't even smell my own name!"
 
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