Away ground 'TOILET' comedy gold stories...

[citymad]

Was In Krakow in poland on the piss one wk-end and on the sunday my mate (a big blue) went to toilet, came back out with a gash on his head, claret pissing out of his head, what the fuck happened to you i said,
He replied, i rushed to the toilet just about to shit myself from all the beer, got in the cubicle sort of reversing in, pulling my pants down at the same time, it started to come out as i was sitting down i didnt realise some twat had left the back down, it splashed onto it at the same time i was sitting down and my arse slipped on the shit, smashing my head off the toilet roll holder while shit was flowing out of my arse.
The shite was on his legs, up the back of his t-shirt, covered in it, still finished his pint before he went and got changed:

Quality stuff!!<br /><br />-- Thu Jun 23, 2011 10:19 pm --<br /><br />

Couple of years ago when I worked on the post my mate was delivering mail to an old folks home. Halfway round he got got caught short but just failed to get to the second floor bogs in time, so there was a bit of fall out in his posties pants. So he carried on and when he had deposited about 3 stone of arse gravy in the pan he looked round for bog roll. He couldnt see properly so he pulled what he thought was the cord for the light, all of a sudden the alarm started ringing, a red light flashing on the corridor wall and the bog door flew open automatically. Before he had time to wipe his arse not to mention his legs up 2 carers came running up and theta were joined by an old lady from the flat opposite. He said They just stood there looking at him pissing themselves laughing. He was known after by the girls who worked the as "postman shat". He swapped rounds soon after. I wonder why?

A similar story, my mate who's a home health therapist was walking into a patients home really needing the toilet because he felt particurlaly rough that day.The door to the toilet would'nt shut properly. After about 1/2 hour stinking up the place trying to hold the door with his foot he soon realised there was no bog roll or nothing to wipe his arse. Panicking he decided to use his boxers to clean himself up. He could'nt take them out so he stuffed the boxers at the bottom of the waste paper bin in the bathroom. The funny thing is he never went back the patient made a remarkable recovery and was discharged.

 

[bumbleblue]

This has to be one of the funniest threads ever. i have laughed til i've cried.

 

[liamctid]

Not read through the whole thread but I'd like to think my good chums Felix or Eggbert will write on here soon.

 

[c4lv3rt]

Just remembered another related story.

Half time, QPR away. It was when the away end was terraced, so maybe 1990ish.

It was a lovely sunny day but suddenly at half time, those of us stood in the lower tier noticed drips coming from the roof. These drips quickly became torrents. Everyone sort of realised at once that this was piss coming through the floor of the wooden stand above. The Blues up there must have been pissing in the corridoor.

There were stampedes all over the place on the terrace. AS you ran away from one pissstream, you hit another. Then lads started pushing each other into the pissstreams.

Happy days, eh?

This had me howling in work, people are looking at me as if im a bit weird hahahaha.

 

[Chillidog77]

I`m sure there was something alive running down the wall of the bogs at Luton all those years ago. The smell on walking in there was so bad it made my eyes water.

 

[GazM]

I`m sure there was something alive running down the wall of the bogs at Luton all those years ago. The smell on walking in there was so bad it made my eyes water.

Ah, fond memories...

 

[BufordUSABlue]

I`m sure there was something alive running down the wall of the bogs at Luton all those years ago. The smell on walking in there was so bad it made my eyes water.

Ah, fond memories...

Ive said it many times, Luton away was the worse 'toilet experience' in the universe for us suffering fans..... "Sea of piss" simply doesnt do it justice!

My long standing memory was of a rather rotund blue wading through the piss ocean with a pie when the inevitable happened and he went down like Devon Loch..... whilst still holding his pie aloft shouting "Its OK, my pie's alright........." like it was his new born baby !

Needless to say, i watched in total horror as he walked away mucnhing on said pie....

Sir, if you are out there reading this.....i salute you !!

 

[Nim]

20 years ago, late teens I pulled a girl who I'd liked all through my school days. This was my time to make a lasting impression.

When the pub closed we ended up at her parent’s basement flat and after a bit of mischief she decided to sleep on the sofa, whilst I stayed in her bedroom. As per my normal routine I woke up at 8am and needed a crap. I walked down the hall to find the only bathroom locked with someone showering. Shit, I'd never met her parents and doubted they knew I was in the house, so I could hardly knock and tell her old man to hurry up as I needed a shit. I was beginning to panic a little now as I got back to the bedroom and weighed up the options. I calculated I had about 3 to 5 minutes. There was a wardrobe, a door to the corridor and a window out on to a small back yard which was also overlooked by the kitchen and lounge. The shitting in the courtyard was not an option, I could see movement in the kitchen. Escape on to the road was out, It was a busy road and I wouldn't have time to find anywhere to shit. The dad was still showering, I was into countdown, there was no aborting. I opened up the wardrobe and found a hockey stick and one of those long thin prescription bags from the chemist, which I emptied of its contents. Squatting with my back against the bedroom door I unleashed a lot, I mean a lot of warm shit into the prescription bag. I was now alone in a bedroom stinking of shit, holding a heavy bag of turds. I needed to leave but I still couldn't get into the toilet to get rid of my shit. Rolling up the prescription bag to seal up my goodies I decided my only option was to place it gently into the wardrobe under the hockey stick and close the door. I never did hear of what happened to my shit. Poor girl.

 

[Always Ali]

Brilliant thread! Crying laughing here!

Stayed at a mates house after a night on the piss. His house was of similar layout to mine, but crucially the other way round, i.e. his bedroom was where my bathroom was!

I woke up about 2am still totally bladdered and badly needing a piss, but not waking to the fact that I was in his house. I got up, walked across the landing to "my toilet" and proceeded to piss the longest piss I have ever had! I was then a little surprised to see the bedroom light come on, and the shout of "Dave you dirty Twat, what the fuck are you doing" greeting me as I proceeded to gush piss all over their TV and Video recorder!

Unsurprisingly I was never asked to stay over again!

 

[danny123]

20 years ago, late teens I pulled a girl who I'd liked all through my school days. This was my time to make a lasting impression.

When the pub closed we ended up at her parent’s basement flat and after a bit of mischief she decided to sleep on the sofa, whilst I stayed in her bedroom. As per my normal routine I woke up at 8am and needed a crap. I walked down the hall to find the only bathroom locked with someone showering. Shit, I'd never met her parents and doubted they knew I was in the house, so I could hardly knock and tell her old man to hurry up as I needed a shit. I was beginning to panic a little now as I got back to the bedroom and weighed up the options. I calculated I had about 3 to 5 minutes. There was a wardrobe, a door to the corridor and a window out on to a small back yard which was also overlooked by the kitchen and lounge. The shitting in the courtyard was not an option, I could see movement in the kitchen. Escape on to the road was out, It was a busy road and I wouldn't have time to find anywhere to shit. The dad was still showering, I was into countdown, there was no aborting. I opened up the wardrobe and found a hockey stick and one of those long thin prescription bags from the chemist, which I emptied of its contents. Squatting with my back against the bedroom door I unleashed a lot, I mean a lot of warm shit into the prescription bag. I was now alone in a bedroom stinking of shit, holding a heavy bag of turds. I needed to leave but I still couldn't get into the toilet to get rid of my shit. Rolling up the prescription bag to seal up my goodies I decided my only option was to place it gently into the wardrobe under the hockey stick and close the door. I never did hear of what happened to my shit. Poor girl.

This one is quality!