Away ground 'TOILET' comedy gold stories...

[Dave Ewing's Back 'eader]

I rememeber about 6 months back a thread going slightly 'off topic' regarding away ground toilets, parts of that thread had me howling.

Someone out there must have some humour to share...

It was mine, I thought it was a cracking piece of work, and it got deleted.

I talked about the fact that I went 30 years watching City without having a shit in the ground, and last season I had two.

The worst experience for me though was Shalke last year, I had the runs. It wasn't the ground, it was the "fanzone" area in Gelsenkhirken. There was one cubicle for about 1000 beered up Blues, without a lock, and I had to shit in it about 2 hours before kickoff. No lock, no bogroll, gallons of piss on the floor and gallons on the seat. And lads trying to open the door and banging and that.

It was a bad scene, probably worse than Glastonbury. Only Fratton Park I would consider to be potentially worse.

And I wonder if the Chief Exec of Schalke had cleaning the 'scheisshaus' on his job description?

 

[HolisticJim]

I rememeber about 6 months back a thread going slightly 'off topic' regarding away ground toilets, parts of that thread had me howling.

Someone out there must have some humour to share...

It was mine, I thought it was a cracking piece of work, and it got deleted.

I talked about the fact that I went 30 years watching City without having a shit in the ground, and last season I had two.

The worst experience for me though was Shalke last year, I had the runs. It wasn't the ground, it was the "fanzone" area in Gelsenkhirken. There was one cubicle for about 1000 beered up Blues, without a lock, and I had to shit in it about 2 hours before kickoff. No lock, no bogroll, gallons of piss on the floor and gallons on the seat. And lads trying to open the door and banging and that.

It was a bad scene, probably worse than Glastonbury. Only Fratton Park I would consider to be potentially worse.

Bit of a piss take really that it got deleted. You can't start any threads round here without fear of deletion.
How many times has the sanchez threat gone? 5?

 

[ob]

Needed a shit at secondary school and after it was too late realised there was no paper and had to use my gloves

also was at Rangers away to Borrusia Munchengladbach about 87, been on the piss for 2 days, drinking in hotel bar just before we left for home and thought I needed a fart but shit my kecks, went up to room and changed into another pair of jeans and washed dirty ones in hand basin in room then packed in holdall for trip home, being pissed didn't realise hadn't washed them properly and the bag smelt of shit forever after it and just threw it and the jeans out<br /><br />-- Thu Jun 23, 2011 9:34 am --<br /><br />Also at a party in Ballysally estate in Coleraine aged about 17/18 and bloke Bertie Hutchinson placed 2 living room chairs few inches apart everyone looking thinking what the fu*k is he doing, he dropped his trousers placed an ass cheek on each chair and shit on living room floor, Jim Martin (RIP big lad) whos sister owned the house started punching fu*k out of Bertie while he shit

funny as fook at the time

 

[McnabsMustache83]

Was In Krakow in poland on the piss one wk-end and on the sunday my mate (a big blue) went to toilet, came back out with a gash on his head, claret pissing out of his head, what the fuck happened to you i said,
He replied, i rushed to the toilet just about to shit myself from all the beer, got in the cubicle sort of reversing in, pulling my pants down at the same time, it started to come out as i was sitting down i didnt realise some twat had left the back down, it splashed onto it at the same time i was sitting down and my arse slipped on the shit, smashing my head off the toilet roll holder while shit was flowing out of my arse.
The shite was on his legs, up the back of his t-shirt, covered in it, still finished his pint before he went and got changed:

 

[Mancster]

One day after a match at maine road against Norwich, we all went to the Drop Inn in Fallowfiled, one of the lads was telling how he shat himself the week before and that he placed his boxers in the tank above the toilet in the drop inn, so half an hour later one of the other lads decided to take the boxers out with a bit of wood and the went behind the shitter stuck them over his head, flakes of shit was floating on his swede!! hahaha still want to vomit from the image!!!

 

[sweeneytheblue]

Blackpool away last year, I came home from work early on the Friday feeling rough as a bears and got straight into bed. On the Saturday my mate turned up at my house at 10 o'clock ready to get the train the Blackpool, anyway on the train to Piccadilly I had a little fart which turned into a follow through! Not happy and feeling a little damp as I had only just left burnage station I thought get to Piccadilly and I will sort myself out. Gets to Piccadilly had to pay the 30p to go in the bogs ( which made me even more p'd off) I went to the last trap, my plan was dump my soiled duds and do one to Blackpool comando. Anyway when I went in the trap the seat was up so I wips off my duds and thought hide them behind the bog seat, when i pulled the seat forward to hide them what was there? ........... Only a brand new copy of razzle, buzzing I dumped my duds took the razzle and got the train to Blackpool and the mag did me for the whole weekend whilst we were there. Every cloud does have a silver lining!!!

 

[JohnMaddocksAxe]

Used the rear entrance for the rest of the holiday.

That's what caused your lack of control in the first place.

 

[carlosespana]

The funniest for me was,groclin when the portaloo was turned over with the guy still in it,caked in shit and piss,shouldnt laugh ........but,and when he came out rageing ,he cleared the area quicker than a pack of west yorkshire police dog handlers.cnuts trick i know but still tickles me to this day.

woz there m8 knew the lads who tipped the bog poor kid had no change of clothes he was on the flight straight back.Still pissed myself though!!!!

 

[mike winterwasp]

in Turkey somewhere with an ex years ago. Just eaten a baked spud from a stall some 200 yards away from the hotel (plush one) when the belly wobbles started. Clenching the cheeks i started walking like them you see in the olympic event toward the hotel, ex missus pissing herself laughing did'nt help.
Anyway literally walking up the steps to the main entrance it frikkin erupted! (you cannot walk up steps clenching your butt cheeks in flip flops - try it)

White shorts on, flip flops with an avalanche of thick bisto gushing from my hole. Ran through the marble floored reception towards the stairs up to the room. About 20 people checking in and looking in disgust as the brown stuff was being splattered all over reception by the flip flopping of my footwear.
Sat in the bath while she hosed me down for an hour. Woke up the next day to the overwhelming smell of bleach aroung reception area.
Used the rear entrance for the rest of the holiday.

That was very sporting of your missus.

 

[DS 1956]

Couple of years ago when I worked on the post my mate was delivering mail to an old folks home. Halfway round he got got caught short but just failed to get to the second floor bogs in time, so there was a bit of fall out in his posties pants. So he carried on and when he had deposited about 3 stone of arse gravy in the pan he looked round for bog roll. He couldnt see properly so he pulled what he thought was the cord for the light, all of a sudden the alarm started ringing, a red light flashing on the corridor wall and the bog door flew open automatically. Before he had time to wipe his arse not to mention his legs up 2 carers came running up and theta were joined by an old lady from the flat opposite. He said They just stood there looking at him pissing themselves laughing. He was known after by the girls who worked the as "postman shat". He swapped rounds soon after. I wonder why?