I remember it vividly, the day everything I thought I knew about football was turned upside down, the day one man ripped up the unwritten rule book and sent the game into free fall – the day Frank Sinclair trotted out on to the turf bedecked in dazzling white boots!
Own goal King Frank wasn’t by any means the first player to forego black in favour of something flashier, far from it, but he was the first to so blatantly flaunt the fundamental truth of the game we all love – crap players aren’t allowed coloured boots!
You know in some ways I can forgive him his ridiculous display of football treason. He’d had such a dismal career that maybe these were the actions of a broken man, one desperately kidding himself that he actually was good at the game - ‘look everyone I’ve got white boots, I’m a player, I’M A PLAYER!!’
To me though it was a glaring sign that the players were out of touch with the common man, It was like he was mocking our intelligence:
‘Yeah I know I’m crap, you know I’m crap, but behold I have on white boots! An automatic cloak of invincibility that forbids you from booing and mocking me’
He may as well have sat in the centre circle chanting ‘I’m frank Sinclair, I do what I want’. Either way whatever his motive he set in motion a trend that swept through the game like a big sweepy thing.
Last night as I watched an Orange booted duffer, under no discernable pressure, trip over the ball in the middle of the park I thought: ‘Enough is enough; you’ve let this slide too long, time to make a stand like I should have done back on Sin Clair day!’
Which brings me fellow fans to my proposal – the introduction of a Coloured Boots Progression Scheme! (CBPS – that’s the initials see).
The basic premise is that Coloured boots will no longer be an automatic right chucked about willy- nilly. Instead I suggest we take a leaf out of Karate’s (the martial art not the dummy from Batfink) book and make it a privilege to be earned through demonstration of the requisite ability. Although I’m open to suggestions from you all this is the initial sliding scale I have drafted:
BLACK BOOT:All players begin with the classic standard black boot. In the vast majority of cases this will be the lowest rung on the ladder from which the only way is up. Those however who display outstanding incompetence have been catered for. Initially they will be demoted to pink boots (hence forth referred to as Bendtner level), before subsequently being relegated through the following levels if their staggering lack of talent persists:
Old fashioned big brown boots
Flip-flops
Clogs
Pixie boots
(Provisional order)
Those exceptional cases aside however, the natural progression should follow this pattern:
STRIPES: Mainly relevant to youth and reserve team regulars, like in the army - or in my case Beavers and Cubs - players will be able to earn up to three stripes of one colour to jazz up their boring boots. Once these players reach the first team they have the opportunity to really get their thang on by starting on...
TRAFFIC LIGHT LEVEL: Red boots to begin with, then Yellow/Orange, before finally graduating to Go Go Go Green!
SKY HIGH LEVEL: (No not the Sonic The Hedgehog one): This is where you move on to lovely blue or white boots. Fashion conscious City Players may wish to stay at this level to co-ordinate with their outfit. Finally you reach....
OLYMPIC LEVEL: Where the real crème de la crème reside, earning in turn Bronze, Silver and Gold coloured boots. It does however come with two stipulations:
a) Only current or former world players of the year are allowed to have gold boots.
b) As Marseille and Lyon already have ‘Olympic’ in their name they will be fined every time they field a side containing any player donning boots from below this level
Good eh, now everyone knws where they stand and just how good a player really is! I know what you’re thinking though, who regulates this scheme and decides when a footballer is able to move up to the next boot? Well it’s a puzzler no doubt, but I propose the scheme is adjudicated by an Independent panel with expertise in the field. My initial thought would be that, due to their in-depth grasp of the colour spectrum, this group should comprise a mix of power rangers and teletubbies but obviously interviews would have to be held so Zippy from Rainbow still has a chance.
So there you have it my proposal for eradicating this blight on the modern game and consigning Frank Sinclair to the boot room of history. What do you think? Does anyone have any other suggestions?*
*My dad proposed a snooker points based scheme but quite frankly it’s ludicrous, he must be a bit mental.
Own goal King Frank wasn’t by any means the first player to forego black in favour of something flashier, far from it, but he was the first to so blatantly flaunt the fundamental truth of the game we all love – crap players aren’t allowed coloured boots!
You know in some ways I can forgive him his ridiculous display of football treason. He’d had such a dismal career that maybe these were the actions of a broken man, one desperately kidding himself that he actually was good at the game - ‘look everyone I’ve got white boots, I’m a player, I’M A PLAYER!!’
To me though it was a glaring sign that the players were out of touch with the common man, It was like he was mocking our intelligence:
‘Yeah I know I’m crap, you know I’m crap, but behold I have on white boots! An automatic cloak of invincibility that forbids you from booing and mocking me’
He may as well have sat in the centre circle chanting ‘I’m frank Sinclair, I do what I want’. Either way whatever his motive he set in motion a trend that swept through the game like a big sweepy thing.
Last night as I watched an Orange booted duffer, under no discernable pressure, trip over the ball in the middle of the park I thought: ‘Enough is enough; you’ve let this slide too long, time to make a stand like I should have done back on Sin Clair day!’
Which brings me fellow fans to my proposal – the introduction of a Coloured Boots Progression Scheme! (CBPS – that’s the initials see).
The basic premise is that Coloured boots will no longer be an automatic right chucked about willy- nilly. Instead I suggest we take a leaf out of Karate’s (the martial art not the dummy from Batfink) book and make it a privilege to be earned through demonstration of the requisite ability. Although I’m open to suggestions from you all this is the initial sliding scale I have drafted:
BLACK BOOT:All players begin with the classic standard black boot. In the vast majority of cases this will be the lowest rung on the ladder from which the only way is up. Those however who display outstanding incompetence have been catered for. Initially they will be demoted to pink boots (hence forth referred to as Bendtner level), before subsequently being relegated through the following levels if their staggering lack of talent persists:
Old fashioned big brown boots
Flip-flops
Clogs
Pixie boots
(Provisional order)
Those exceptional cases aside however, the natural progression should follow this pattern:
STRIPES: Mainly relevant to youth and reserve team regulars, like in the army - or in my case Beavers and Cubs - players will be able to earn up to three stripes of one colour to jazz up their boring boots. Once these players reach the first team they have the opportunity to really get their thang on by starting on...
TRAFFIC LIGHT LEVEL: Red boots to begin with, then Yellow/Orange, before finally graduating to Go Go Go Green!
SKY HIGH LEVEL: (No not the Sonic The Hedgehog one): This is where you move on to lovely blue or white boots. Fashion conscious City Players may wish to stay at this level to co-ordinate with their outfit. Finally you reach....
OLYMPIC LEVEL: Where the real crème de la crème reside, earning in turn Bronze, Silver and Gold coloured boots. It does however come with two stipulations:
a) Only current or former world players of the year are allowed to have gold boots.
b) As Marseille and Lyon already have ‘Olympic’ in their name they will be fined every time they field a side containing any player donning boots from below this level
Good eh, now everyone knws where they stand and just how good a player really is! I know what you’re thinking though, who regulates this scheme and decides when a footballer is able to move up to the next boot? Well it’s a puzzler no doubt, but I propose the scheme is adjudicated by an Independent panel with expertise in the field. My initial thought would be that, due to their in-depth grasp of the colour spectrum, this group should comprise a mix of power rangers and teletubbies but obviously interviews would have to be held so Zippy from Rainbow still has a chance.
So there you have it my proposal for eradicating this blight on the modern game and consigning Frank Sinclair to the boot room of history. What do you think? Does anyone have any other suggestions?*
*My dad proposed a snooker points based scheme but quite frankly it’s ludicrous, he must be a bit mental.
