Mate, if you ever wanted to call me just to chat or speak on PMs, I will be there.
Very sorry to hear you are struggling and have been for while. I had some very dark thoughts about ending it all during the last couple of years, feeling helpless and depressed about life in general, nothing to look forward to.
I went to my doctor and she put me in touch with a CBT therapist. Really just being able to talk to someone who did not know me really helped me to think about some situations in a different way.
Some of the negative thoughts started coming back during this current crisis but I tell myself how far I have come, try to take myself out of my own head.
I have an amazing wife and kids but I still needed to do this for myself and them. We all have our own paths to walk, we all assume everyone else's is so much better or easier.
The truth is that most of us have to fight every day to move forward. You have suffered tremendous loss and some of the best advice I can offer it just try to be kinder to yourself. We are living in extraordinary times.
You have lost both parents, you are living a global pandemic. Sounds to me like you are strong as fuck - stronger than many - strong enough to beat all this shit.
Take care of yourself, blue.