Dating site experiences and shock horror meetings!

Here's a tale I had forgot till kindly reminded by an ex girlfriend when I messaged her recently to rekindle an old flame of around 4 years ago, towards the end of my playing days. lol.

Went something like this on FB instant messenger. -

"Hi hun, remember me, how are you doing?"(thinking we'd kind of mutually eased things off into not seeing each other as my recent memory is not the best)

"What are you doing messaging me, go away, im not interested in you!"

"Why hun what's up, you know we had chemistry between us".... bemused as to her stark rejection.

"Go back to your woman you had, I'm not interested in you, piss off, and don't contact me again!"

"Don't be like that Karen, you know you fancied me and we had some great times together"

"Don't you remember what happened or something"

Racking my brain I honestly couldn't remember why this lovely looking women was so scorned.

"Go on tell me hun, what happened?"

"We were in your bed when your girlfriend threatened to come round and you shit it!"...

Gulp! Guilty as fuck...

"Ah yes, really sorry Karen, I regret what happened, let me make it up to you"... she was having none of my bullshit charm.

At the time of this happening, I was on pof charming the birds like an expert angler I am and I was greedy in having Karen on the go as well as 'shes got big ugly feet'. Karen at the time was 42, good looking milfy bespectacled brunette, big boobs lovely smile, nice girl my mother would of liked.

Bigfoot on the other hand was/is decent looking(to be fair)5-10" decent figure same age but she was intelligent on my wavelength, unlike dippy Karen with a boring Coronation St mentality, despite being better eye candy.

The dreaded day I got sussed as being a love rat came flooding back like a bad dream. Karen and I were in a passionate embrace as we often were, she was a very horny lady, and I was in my sexual element with her. As things got steamy as they always did, my mobile on my bedside cabinet was bleeping to a random text(or so I thought) Ignoring it as my eyes were mesmerised with her magnificent gravity defying massive mammaries as I worked her closer to climax, snother text, quickly followed by a call from guess who... That's right, bigfoot had smelt a rat and this rat was me! Her former private fraud investigating instinct well and truly kicked in. I grabbed my phone to read -
"Something's wrong, why are you not answering your phone and replying to texts, I'm on my way round right now"

I shit it alright, she'd of made me an instant John Bobbit the 2nd if she's of caught me at it, that's what I feared!

"You dirty cheating bastard, how could you, I'm going, and I hope she finds out!"

You better go quick Karen as she can be a right nasty woman and things will get ugly if you hang around!"

"Don't worry, rot in hell you cheating bastard, I'm going!"

She fucked off and I swear she must of drove passed bigfoot on my cul-de-sac before she arrived. My cock was still wet from pussy juice, no way was she giving me a BJ or I deffo would of been John Bobbit the bloody 2nd!

I kind of appeased her to believe I was having a snooze and didn't hear my phone and that was that. Bigfoot won me over and I was totally faithful to her for 3 years.

Good job really, she was not to be messed with when angry!
 
Last edited:
Bump!

Being single I thought I'd join Tinder and I did, just before Christmas. After splitting up with the infamous 'Bigfoot' last September(7 year itch perhaps apt)

Didn't want to have to go down the dating site app route but living on my own staring at 4 walls in a pandemic is not good for one's mental well being.

Anyway, messaged a few(like you do) and got a reply off a few (like you do) and a few tyre kickers just wanted to be online friends in ping-ponging text messages back and forth forever and a day, not my kind of thing as I want to hear a voice on the end of the phone I can initially relate to as that person being the same person on the phone as in profile.

Anyway I'm waffling too much.

Was on the phone to a year 53 old chatty female from Nelson near Burnley friday night for over 3 hours, she liked to talk alright, jeez: / Her pics were good, nowt special but 'attractive' for her age(it seemed). Now I'm not after an oil painting, a plain Jane with good hygiene and morals is far more appealing as I'm no oil painting myself. Think Salvador Dali throwing a gallon of Castrol GTX at a wall and that's a picture of me...: /... Fuck off snorky with your face of 40 arseholes comment, and fuck off to my bessie mate with the Iain Dowie ugly twin brother remark, I can take the piss out of myself just fine, thank you; lads )

Been talking to her for about a week and things were looking bright and conversation flowing. I had suggested a video call so we can both see each other and see what we are both potentially letting ourselves in for, saves on potential shock horror meet ups and I've been down that route several times before.

But that video call didn't happen as she didn't have her make-up on, didn't have mine on either for that matter. Saturday night we we're on the phone and she is telling me about her new sofa that had arrived (yawn) and how lovely and comfy it is (yawn). Then she started to panic when she said that she had locked herself in her living room. I asked her how and she said the handle had come off from the hall side of the door when they delivered it it and was getting in quite a bit of a panic about it being 11 oclock at night and she cannot go to bathroom upstairs. Said she had to have a pee in the back garden.

Being a kind and reasonable chap I am I tried telling her that the square bar connecting the door handle had disengaged. I tried telling her how to resolve it and and open the door but she was getting quite worked up and suggested I went round to fix it. With covid restrictions and being my elderly mother's carer I have been very careful to stick to government guidelines in social distancing etc.

Anyway, a fair maiden was in distress and told her not to panic and I'd be there in an hour as I had some chicken wings in the oven. - "Take them out and finish cooking them at mine"... "Ok, Are you hungry?"....
"Yes, getting that way. Oh, and can you bring me a bottle of wine please I need a drink".... " Ok, see you in about be an hour, I'll ring when I get to yours"... "Ok thanks".

Took chicken wings out of the oven, ran upstairs gives myself a sink wash and washed my dick (just in case, because you never know) and set off driving. Called in the Chinese for a special chow mein and at the petrol stations just before the motorway for a bottle of medium white and a 4 pack of ale for myself. Gets to Nelson and my phone died from being on sat-nav so couldn't ring. Plugs phone into car USB port and waited about 5 minutes.

"Hi, I'm here now"... "Ok, you'll have to come round the back (sounded promising; ) and I'll let you in".... Off I eagerly trotts with my phone light on at midnight looking for miss distress, Damsel.

Well knock me down with a feather, I looked fuckin' distressed when I noticed Damsel had a face like the back of the 53 bus!
Hoodwinked yet again by 10 year old pictures of when she was pretty, way before she discovered cake and wine!

I asked(looking perplexed) - "How did you manage your make-up when you said you were locked out from your bedroom"? ..."My next door neighbour let me borrow hers".... (Gulp) I almost to blurted - "I see she lent you her best trowel to plaster it on with love!"

"You smell nice, I like your aftershave"she said... "Thanks"... Gave her a quick hug of reassurance and a peck on the cheek and said I'd sort it after some much needed scran. She was once a good looking woman who had let herself go, let her bra go too as the second things I clapped my eyes on nearly blinded me, more prominent than Toyah Willcox, and unlike Robert Fripp, I couldn't help but notice!

The wine was open in no time, I think she was topping herself up tbh. Her bloodshot eyes and rouge coloured plastered skin suggested it to me, anyway...... "What's up, you ok"?.... "Yeah, I just need to eat thanks" I said.

We ate the food and I had a can. Fixed her door knob in about 20 seconds and sat there in her living room thinking how I had been duped yet again to be chatting to a lonely alcoholic women repeating herself on what she had told me on the phone. To cut an already long story a bit shorter we talked till 3, well she did and I because very tired and agitated.... "You can sleep in my room if you like and I'll sleep on the sofa". Aye aye, heard that before and I once would have kindly obliged but I told her I'd drive home and get in my own bed, and I did.

As I went towards the back door I grabbed a bag -"what are you doing?".... "I'm taking the cans I brought", saved her from necking them!.... "Ok, text me when you get home, make sure you're alright.... "Ok love, see you later".(like you do) Not as though I intended to see her ever again, like.

Got home and checked my phone. Noticed a missed call but my phone was on silent and she had text me I rather slurred drunken text of spurned mild nastiness.

Pics? Lol.Think of the late Mark E Smith in drag and you're somewhere near; )
 
Last edited:
BlueMoonRisin' said:
Bump!

Being single I thought I'd join Tinder and I did, just before Christmas. After splitting up with the infamous 'Bigfoot' last September(7 year itch perhaps apt)

Didn't want to have to go down the dating site app route but living on my own staring at 4 walls in a pandemic is not good for one's mental well being.

Anyway, messaged a few(like you do) and got a reply off a few (like you do) and a few tyre kickers just wanted to be online friends in ping-ponging text messages back and forth forever and a day, not my kind of thing as I want to hear a voice on the end of the phone I can initially relate to as that person being the same person on the phone as in profile.

Anyway I'm waffling too much.

Was on the phone to a year 53 old chatty female from Nelson near Burnley friday night for over 3 hours, she liked to talk alright, jeez: / Her pics were good, nowt special but 'attractive' for her age(it seemed). Now I'm not after an oil painting, a plain Jane with good hygiene and morals is far more appealing as I'm no oil painting myself. Think Salvador Dali throwing a gallon of Castrol GTX at a wall and that's a picture of me...: /... Fuck off snorky with your face of 40 arseholes comment, and fuck off to my bessie mate with the Iain Dowie ugly twin brother remark, I can take the piss out of myself just fine, thank you; lads )

Been talking to her for about a week and things were looking bright and conversation flowing. I had suggested a video call so we can both see each other and see what we are both potentially letting ourselves in for, saves on potential shock horror meet ups and I've been down that route several times before.

But that video call didn't happen as she didn't have her make-up on, didn't have mine on either for that matter. Saturday night we we're on the phone and she is telling me about her new sofa that had arrived (yawn) and how lovely and comfy it is (yawn). Then she started to panic when she said that she had locked herself in her living room. I asked her how and she said the handle had come off from the hall side of the door when they delivered it it and was getting in quite a bit of a panic about it being 11 oclock at night and she cannot go to bathroom upstairs. Said she had to have a pee in the back garden.

Being a kind and reasonable chap I am I tried telling her that the square bar connecting the door handle had disengaged. I tried telling her how to resolve it and and open the door but she was getting quite worked up and suggested I went round to fix it. With covid restrictions and being my elderly mother's carer I have been very careful to stick to government guidelines in social distancing etc.

Anyway, a fair maiden Wasim distress and told her not to panic and I'd be there in an hour as I had some chicken wings in the oven. - "Take them out and finish cooking them at mine"... "Ok, Are you hungry?"....
"Yes, getting that way. Oh, and can you bring me a bottle of wine please I need a drink".... " Ok, see you in about be an hour, I'll ring when I get to yours"... "Ok thanks".

also chicken wings out of the oven, gases upstairs gives myself a sink wash and washed my dick just in case you never know, and set off driving. Called in the Chinese for a special chow mein and at the petrol stations just before the motorway for a bottle of medium white and a 4 pack of ale for myself. Gets to Nelson and my phone died from being on sat-nav so couldn't ring. Plugs phone into car USB port and waited about 5 minutes.

"Hi, I'm here now"... "Ok, you'll have to come round the back (sounded promising; ) and I'll let you in".... Off I eagerly trotts with my phone light on at midnight looking for miss distress, Damsel.

Well knock me down with a feather, I looked fuckin' distressed when I noticed Damsel had a face like the back of the 53 bus!
Hoodwinked yet again by 10 year old pictures of when she was pretty, way before she discovered cake and wine!

I asked(looking perplexed) - "How did you manage your make-up when you said you were locked out from your bedroom"? ..."My next door neighbour let me borrow hers".... (Gulp) I almost to blurted - "I see she lent you her best trowel to plaster it on with love!"

"You smell nice, I like your aftershave"she said... "Thanks"... Gave her a quick hug of reassurance and a peck on the cheek and said I'd sort it after some much needed scran. She was once a good looking woman who had let herself go, let her bravo too as the second things I clapped my eyes on nearly blinded me, more prominent than Toyah Willcox, and unlike Robert Fripp, I couldn't help but notice!

The wine was open in no time, I think she was topping herself up tbh. Her bloodshot eyes and rouge coloured plastered skin suggested it to me, anyway...... "What's up, you ok"?.... "Yeah, I just need to eat thanks" I said.

We ate the food and I had a can. Fixed her door knob in about 20 seconds and sat there in her living room thinking how I had been duped yet again to be chatting to a lonely alcoholic women repeating herself on what she had told me on the phone. To cut an already long story a bit shorter we talked till 3, well she did and I because very tired and agitated.... "You can sleep in my room if you like and I'll sleep on the sofa". Aye aye, heard that before and I once would have kindly obliged but I told her I'd drive home and get in my own bed, and I did.

As I went towards the back door I grabbed a bag -"what are you doing?".... "I'm taking the cans I brought", saved her from necking them!.... "Ok, text me when you get home, make sure you're alright.... "Ok love, see you later".(like you do) Not as though I intended to see her ever again, like.

Got home and checked my phone. Noticed a missed call but my phone was on silent and she had text me I rather slurred drunken text of spurned mild nastiness.

Pics? Lol.Think of the late Mark E Smith in drag and you're somewhere near; )
Click to expand...
That's an awfully long winded way of saying you blanked.
 
BlueMoonRisin' said:
Bump!

Being single I thought I'd join Tinder and I did, just before Christmas. After splitting up with the infamous 'Bigfoot' last September(7 year itch perhaps apt)

Didn't want to have to go down the dating site app route but living on my own staring at 4 walls in a pandemic is not good for one's mental well being.

Anyway, messaged a few(like you do) and got a reply off a few (like you do) and a few tyre kickers just wanted to be online friends in ping-ponging text messages back and forth forever and a day, not my kind of thing as I want to hear a voice on the end of the phone I can initially relate to as that person being the same person on the phone as in profile.

Anyway I'm waffling too much.

Was on the phone to a year 53 old chatty female from Nelson near Burnley friday night for over 3 hours, she liked to talk alright, jeez: / Her pics were good, nowt special but 'attractive' for her age(it seemed). Now I'm not after an oil painting, a plain Jane with good hygiene and morals is far more appealing as I'm no oil painting myself. Think Salvador Dali throwing a gallon of Castrol GTX at a wall and that's a picture of me...: /... Fuck off snorky with your face of 40 arseholes comment, and fuck off to my bessie mate with the Iain Dowie ugly twin brother remark, I can take the piss out of myself just fine, thank you; lads )

Been talking to her for about a week and things were looking bright and conversation flowing. I had suggested a video call so we can both see each other and see what we are both potentially letting ourselves in for, saves on potential shock horror meet ups and I've been down that route several times before.

But that video call didn't happen as she didn't have her make-up on, didn't have mine on either for that matter. Saturday night we we're on the phone and she is telling me about her new sofa that had arrived (yawn) and how lovely and comfy it is (yawn). Then she started to panic when she said that she had locked herself in her living room. I asked her how and she said the handle had come off from the hall side of the door when they delivered it it and was getting in quite a bit of a panic about it being 11 oclock at night and she cannot go to bathroom upstairs. Said she had to have a pee in the back garden.

Being a kind and reasonable chap I am I tried telling her that the square bar connecting the door handle had disengaged. I tried telling her how to resolve it and and open the door but she was getting quite worked up and suggested I went round to fix it. With covid restrictions and being my elderly mother's carer I have been very careful to stick to government guidelines in social distancing etc.

Anyway, a fair maiden Wasim distress and told her not to panic and I'd be there in an hour as I had some chicken wings in the oven. - "Take them out and finish cooking them at mine"... "Ok, Are you hungry?"....
"Yes, getting that way. Oh, and can you bring me a bottle of wine please I need a drink".... " Ok, see you in about be an hour, I'll ring when I get to yours"... "Ok thanks".

also chicken wings out of the oven, gases upstairs gives myself a sink wash and washed my dick just in case you never know, and set off driving. Called in the Chinese for a special chow mein and at the petrol stations just before the motorway for a bottle of medium white and a 4 pack of ale for myself. Gets to Nelson and my phone died from being on sat-nav so couldn't ring. Plugs phone into car USB port and waited about 5 minutes.

"Hi, I'm here now"... "Ok, you'll have to come round the back (sounded promising; ) and I'll let you in".... Off I eagerly trotts with my phone light on at midnight looking for miss distress, Damsel.

Well knock me down with a feather, I looked fuckin' distressed when I noticed Damsel had a face like the back of the 53 bus!
Hoodwinked yet again by 10 year old pictures of when she was pretty, way before she discovered cake and wine!

I asked(looking perplexed) - "How did you manage your make-up when you said you were locked out from your bedroom"? ..."My next door neighbour let me borrow hers".... (Gulp) I almost to blurted - "I see she lent you her best trowel to plaster it on with love!"

"You smell nice, I like your aftershave"she said... "Thanks"... Gave her a quick hug of reassurance and a peck on the cheek and said I'd sort it after some much needed scran. She was once a good looking woman who had let herself go, let her bravo too as the second things I clapped my eyes on nearly blinded me, more prominent than Toyah Willcox, and unlike Robert Fripp, I couldn't help but notice!

The wine was open in no time, I think she was topping herself up tbh. Her bloodshot eyes and rouge coloured plastered skin suggested it to me, anyway...... "What's up, you ok"?.... "Yeah, I just need to eat thanks" I said.

We ate the food and I had a can. Fixed her door knob in about 20 seconds and sat there in her living room thinking how I had been duped yet again to be chatting to a lonely alcoholic women repeating herself on what she had told me on the phone. To cut an already long story a bit shorter we talked till 3, well she did and I because very tired and agitated.... "You can sleep in my room if you like and I'll sleep on the sofa". Aye aye, heard that before and I once would have kindly obliged but I told her I'd drive home and get in my own bed, and I did.

As I went towards the back door I grabbed a bag -"what are you doing?".... "I'm taking the cans I brought", saved her from necking them!.... "Ok, text me when you get home, make sure you're alright.... "Ok love, see you later".(like you do) Not as though I intended to see her ever again, like.

Got home and checked my phone. Noticed a missed call but my phone was on silent and she had text me I rather slurred drunken text of spurned mild nastiness.

Pics? Lol.Think of the late Mark E Smith in drag and you're somewhere near; )
Click to expand...
Bloody hell, you can't half spin a yarn. No sympathy here.. she was from Burnley for god's sake!
Anyway, a decent man would've dutifully dirtied his dick and bought a new SIM card in the morning.
 
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