Funeral etiquette

[peoffrey]

Tomorrow I have the onerous task of attending the funeral of a dear old friend who passed suddenly. To say it was a shock would be an understatement.

I'd taken a sip of a San Miguel in Mary D's post-City v Liverpool and grabbed for my phone to post a few words on Facebook about the match as I often do. I became prompted to join a page set up for memories about said friend and it took a few seconds to digest exactly what I'd just read. There were over a hundred joined already. We'd been friends as part of the same circle in London and bonded over being Northerners in such an odd city. She was from York. We'd lost regular touch after she returned home and it'd probably been a year since we'd last exchanged messages. I'm still gutted nevertheless as she was ace.

The one thing I don't understand it why a 32 year old girl has suddenly passed away. There was no mention of illness or an accident. No explanation. I've read between the lines of a couple of messages on the Facebook group and can only come to the conclusion that she's taken her own life. This was a happy, confident and fun loving young lady. It was impossible not to like her. I spent 30 minutes on the phone to someone else from the circle who now lives in Australia. He was gobsmacked too.

I've never had to attend a funeral like this before. My dad was terminally ill and my nan had grown frailer over months. Two friends died young but both had known illnesses so we basically knew it was coming. How do I deal with this? I'm assuming say nothing and just mourn her passing? So many unanswered questions...

Any help appreciated. I genuinely don't know what to think.

 

[trotsky]

There can not be much worse than the funeral of a young suicide. All friends and family there will be thinking why didn't she call on them for support. People will punish themselves for not doing more, when in reality nobody would ever guess what was to come.
I think most funerals should be a celebration of life, but in a case like this, it is right just to mourn.

 

[CTID1988]

Awful to hear. The funeral of somebody so young is so much different than the "usual", my auntie took her own life when she was 35 so have dealt with similar to what you will be. I haven't really got any good advice for you, but i just took the day as it came.
I know you will want answers but those will come in time. I wouldn't ask anything really on the day even though its difficult not to ( i know i wanted too) Everybody there will be feeling the same shock as you are, just get the day over with the best you can and good luck.

 

[MCFCTrick]

Funerals are never easy, no matter how old or ill the person who has died is. But by far the hardest I have had to attend, was that of a good friend who had took his own life.

Made harder, because on the outside, he had it all ... good job, wife and son of seven, and twin girls under a year old. But he was incredibly troubled and tormented by things he couldn't control, and very few knew about. So it seemed to most he had no reason to do it. Meaning many questions were asked at the crematorium and after, that were too hard to answer, and his wife broke down under those questions .... So from that, I'd just go with the flow, and if her relatives wish to tell, they will, but maybe it's just too painful ....

*Edit* .... As Trotsky mentions above, I was wracked with guilt too, in that I might have been able to stop him doing it. He had called me asking to meet up, but it was the day I was off on hols, and couldn't, saying 'Will arrange when I get home' ..... He did it two days after. I know now it probably wouldn't have stopped him, but for a long time it weighed heavy on me in a 'What if ...' way ...

 

[peoffrey]

I had to take a day special leave from work which is paid leave for personal reasons. My line manager casually asked how she'd died and I told her what I thought I know. My friend in Australia is from Leeds originally and about as a straight speaking Yorkshireman as they come. He lacks tact. He said he didn't want to speculate either which basically confirms what I think.

The heartbreaking irony is that she volunteered for The Samaritans for years.

 

[Blue Hefner]

Tomorrow I have the onerous task of attending the funeral of a dear old friend who passed suddenly. To say it was a shock would be an understatement.

I'd taken a sip of a San Miguel in Mary D's post-City v Liverpool and grabbed for my phone to post a few words on Facebook about the match as I often do. I became prompted to join a page set up for memories about said friend and it took a few seconds to digest exactly what I'd just read. There were over a hundred joined already. We'd been friends as part of the same circle in London and bonded over being Northerners in such an odd city. She was from York. We'd lost regular touch after she returned home and it'd probably been a year since we'd last exchanged messages. I'm still gutted nevertheless as she was ace.

The one thing I don't understand it why a 32 year old girl has suddenly passed away. There was no mention of illness or an accident. No explanation. I've read between the lines of a couple of messages on the Facebook group and can only come to the conclusion that she's taken her own life. This was a happy, confident and fun loving young lady. It was impossible not to like her. I spent 30 minutes on the phone to someone else from the circle who now lives in Australia. He was gobsmacked too.

I've never had to attend a funeral like this before. My dad was terminally ill and my nan had grown frailer over months. Two friends died young but both had known illnesses so we basically knew it was coming. How do I deal with this? I'm assuming say nothing and just mourn her passing? So many unanswered questions...

Any help appreciated. I genuinely don't know what to think.

I imagine there would be some(subtle) reference made during the service

 

[peoffrey]

I imagine there would be some(subtle) reference made during the service

She was raised Catholic but didn't practice. Irish mother and English father. It's not in a church and they're having her cremated. I'm of an Anglican background so I'm unsure if there's any different in culture or practice. Dad's funeral was in the church in Wales my parents married in and he was buried in the graveyard there.

 

[denislawsbackheel]

So you have no evidence of suicide just a load of supposition?

 

[peoffrey]

So you have no evidence of suicide just a load of supposition?

It's been all but confirmed from two different sources. On top of this, a message was removed from the tribute page a day after.

I basically know. I'd never have started this thread had I not.

Testing day tomorrow.

 

[kaz7]

It's been all but confirmed from two different sources. On top of this, a message was removed from the tribute page a day after.

I basically know. I'd never have started this thread had I not.

Testing day tomorrow.

Just don't mention the suicide bit,the family won't thank you if that is going round on the 2nd worst day of their lives