funniest thing i have read in years

Sergeant slaughter and his two lovely daughters
Do get the occasional trim.
New bird on the stage, nearly half my age
My purchase a bit of a whim

The instruction book did not get a look
I thought I knew how to use Veet
Whipped out my tower, whilst stood in the shower
Spreading it liberally all over my meat

I flipped off the cap, lifted up the old chap
Pushing the limits i'm sure
I wanted to groom in the valley of doom
Now my starfish is bleeding and raw

I tried to keep calm washing off the napalm
Leaving me all of a fluster
You could boil a small lake or cook a big steak
With the heat from my genital cluster.

Less grass on the wicked, but all's still not cricket
It does add an inch or two
A full week past, how long will it last?
Still unable to sit, stand or poo.

You may well cry but tears will dry,
Leaving balls as smooth as jam jars,
My slong looks huge, still no sign of pubes
So i'm happy to award it 5 stars
Click to expand...
 
AMP said:
not sure if this has been posted


They Dared To Dream: How Rodgers' Liverpool Went So Close

http://www.amazon.co.uk/They-Dared-...404824450&sr=8-1&keywords=they+dared+to+dream

some cracking reviews so far
Click to expand...


Brilliant, nice find

"Football? Bloody hell!", as Bill Shankly once said.

By the final chapter of this book I was kneeling on the floor of my living room, floods of tears pattering onto my replica kit, wailing like a hysterical gibbon. My dogs, Rushie and Aldo, wailed in solidarity with me. They understood; my wife didn't. I felled her with a right hook.

Imagine if all you ever wanted was a carrot cake, and then, after 25 years without one, you see your most loyal friend walking towards your house smiling, carrying a carrot cake with your name on it. As he reaches your drive, he tumbles calamitously into a ditch. You rush out to find him writhing in agony amongst a cakey-muddy mess, a hungry raven pecking at his flesh. That is how we Liverpool fans feel about the 13/14 season (the raven is Tony Pulis, by the way).

This book is not just some cynical cash-in to make money out of Irish people. Paul Tomkins has truly encapsulated the modern-day Liverpool Football Club experience in literary form: the misty-eyed sentimentality, the endless self-mythologizing and, above all, the abject, humiliating failure. YNWA.
Click to expand...
 
Sooo.......not one to really take my male grooming that seriously...and after years of just getting by with a pair of clippers to gently tame my male garden every other month, my friend had explained about a new wonderus hassle free solution to the common problem of hairy balls; VEET. He quoted quite openly that he whacked it on...washed it off and voila...shinny plums!! I thought, why not...what could be more easy?...what could go wrong?...well as I found out quite a lot. I purchased the sensitive veet and skipped home to try the new found wonder cream and set to it. Reading instructions.. 'do not apply to genitalia' was more of a guidline probably?...and I was quick to ignore. (PLEASE DONT IGNORE) Sitting on the edge of the bed I applied the veet copiously on my boys...feeling very proud of myself! BEAT THE VEET I thought with a wry smile.The sharp warm tingle was more of a sense of achievement than anything untoward and so I waited the allotted time..5 mins...10 mins..Isaac rang...14 mins..whoops!! The gentle tingle was now more of a searing pain and the red colour was now alarming..not a problem I will now wash it off..as I did the hair was indeed gone but unfortunatly the pain was not and it was getting worse. Not one to panic I lay on the bed and waited for it to pass. IT DID NOT. 10 mins later I braved a peep and what I saw was monsterous... It looked like a 1970's lava lamp in perfect working order.. my two veg had now grown to the size of tennis balls and the meat was no longer visible. The pain was unbearable...I crawled down the stairs..gasping for air and praying god would forgive me for not heeding the instructions..I got to the freezer. Looking again at the mess down below, my balls had now deployed each of there life jackets...I now had 4 testicles and still growing. It was like someone had blended a box of raspberrys and then painstakingly tried to glue them back together in the shape of balls...my winky was no where to be seen. I was now very much panicking..and the salty taste of my tears rolling down my face served as a reminder to never do this again. Opening the freezer threw up some possibilities...steaks were good but too flat.. PEAS...no peas...i hate peas but where were they?? Then I pulled out with my last attempt...yep onion rings. These frozen rubber rings served me well. As if they were tossed to people drowning...my testicles grabbed on to them for dear life....praying to be saved. As I lay there on my kitchen floor...naked...crying...with onion rings around my genitals...I thought again about BEAT THE VEET........veet won
Click to expand...

Hahahaha the Veet review
 
BlueTG said:
Sooo.......not one to really take my male grooming that seriously...and after years of just getting by with a pair of clippers to gently tame my male garden every other month, my friend had explained about a new wonderus hassle free solution to the common problem of hairy balls; VEET. He quoted quite openly that he whacked it on...washed it off and voila...shinny plums!! I thought, why not...what could be more easy?...what could go wrong?...well as I found out quite a lot. I purchased the sensitive veet and skipped home to try the new found wonder cream and set to it. Reading instructions.. 'do not apply to genitalia' was more of a guidline probably?...and I was quick to ignore. (PLEASE DONT IGNORE) Sitting on the edge of the bed I applied the veet copiously on my boys...feeling very proud of myself! BEAT THE VEET I thought with a wry smile.The sharp warm tingle was more of a sense of achievement than anything untoward and so I waited the allotted time..5 mins...10 mins..Isaac rang...14 mins..whoops!! The gentle tingle was now more of a searing pain and the red colour was now alarming..not a problem I will now wash it off..as I did the hair was indeed gone but unfortunatly the pain was not and it was getting worse. Not one to panic I lay on the bed and waited for it to pass. IT DID NOT. 10 mins later I braved a peep and what I saw was monsterous... It looked like a 1970's lava lamp in perfect working order.. my two veg had now grown to the size of tennis balls and the meat was no longer visible. The pain was unbearable...I crawled down the stairs..gasping for air and praying god would forgive me for not heeding the instructions..I got to the freezer. Looking again at the mess down below, my balls had now deployed each of there life jackets...I now had 4 testicles and still growing. It was like someone had blended a box of raspberrys and then painstakingly tried to glue them back together in the shape of balls...my winky was no where to be seen. I was now very much panicking..and the salty taste of my tears rolling down my face served as a reminder to never do this again. Opening the freezer threw up some possibilities...steaks were good but too flat.. PEAS...no peas...i hate peas but where were they?? Then I pulled out with my last attempt...yep onion rings. These frozen rubber rings served me well. As if they were tossed to people drowning...my testicles grabbed on to them for dear life....praying to be saved. As I lay there on my kitchen floor...naked...crying...with onion rings around my genitals...I thought again about BEAT THE VEET........veet won
Click to expand...

Hahahaha the Veet review
Click to expand...

Now that is funny.
 
Phil Meup said:
Wolf t-shirt:
<a class="postlink" href="http://www.amazon.co.uk/product-reviews/B002DGFYFA" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;">http://www.amazon.co.uk/product-reviews/B002DGFYFA</a>
Click to expand...
About the 3 wolves and the moon..

Don't get me wrong, this T-shirt is ace. I just can't help thinking an additional Wolf wouldn't go a miss.

Regards
HMJ

(P.S I've rated this 4 stars. 1 for each Wolf and 1 for the moon. If the seller wants another star, then I want another Wolf....or another moon)
Click to expand...
 
jade2e6a.jpg
 
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